Slime: A Definition

My mother and I have developed a term to refer to mr. ex and a whole host of his behaviors: slime. At first it was just a piece of slime, but it has become all-encompassing. If he does it, it’s sure to be slime. But slime is not just a behavior; it is a state of mind. Slime refers to any man (no stories have surfaced of female slime) who abdicates his responsibilities as a parent and a decent human being once divorce looms. Slime is a man who makes you ashamed of the “I love you’s” you once uttered. Slime makes you wish you could do it over again (with the caveat that you would have the same wonderful children).

If he makes choking sounds when he passes me, it’s slime. If he calls me a $5-a-pop slut in front of our daughters, it’s slime. If he tells our daughters that I don’t love them, it’s slime. If he hides a $90,000 bonus check from me, it’s slime. If he calls my lawyer a liar in court, it’s slime. If he doesn’t buy food for his daughters, it’s slime. If he doesn’t pay his share of the utilities, it’s slime. If he doesn’t return calls from the realtor about lowering the price of the home so that it can be sold after more than a year on the market, it’s slime. If he can’t act in a mature fashion more than eight years after I initially broached the subject of divorce, it’s slime.

Unfortunately, being slime is not limited to him; no, it extends to a whole host of other men who have, for some reason, become unhinged once the women in their lives decided to forego the marriage. What? They’ve never been rejected before? My mother and her friends either get to discuss the joys of being grandparents, or the slime that their daughters are divorcing or are divorced from and the slime they are shoveling at their daughters and grandchildren.

Unbelievably, these are two fairly common examples of slime: refusing to pay spousal support (does anyone get this any more?) or child support or tuition for their children; and stopping to work so they won’t have income that their wives would “get” to support their children. There’s nothing you can say about these behaviors and the decision-making process that must have preceded them except slime.  

What has happened to these men’s minds or moral and ethical code? Where are these men from? Is there a special class that they take in college that we women are unaware of? (Surely if we knew of it we would offer some kind of “special compensation” so that they wouldn’t attend Slime 101.) And who raised these men? Were they coddled too much? Were they not coddled enough?

These men are akin to space ships: initially the whole unit glides into space together, then there is an explosion and a separation, and off they go. Only now they are without the boosters and they’re on their own in space, and boy, are they out there. They have lost their power, and often that means that they are no longer in orbit. They have lost their purpose or the essential stabilizing influence that they require and without which they cannot function properly, and they are in free fall.

It would be sad, except it’s so painful for the women and children to have to rise to the occasion and live in the wake of such constantly hurtful behavior.

 

And it’s too painful, too, to constantly be barraged by amateur-hour therapists and positive-thinkers who attest that I have placed myself in this situation because it will lead me to some higher plane of personal growth, or that I need to put my chin up and look forward, and not let the past weigh me down, in any form, otherwise I am a weak woman. For goodness sakes, can’t I just get a hug without all of the moralizing? I’ve been battered enough by the slime, don’t make me feel worse about it and myself.

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Comments

[Judith]

Yes you can get a hug. Here's one from me { }.

And a bit of encouragement from someone who has walked the path you are on. You will survive, you will get through this. You will one day have the unparalleled joy and validation of hearing your daughters say "I get it now mom." And you, because you are bigger than him and because your daughters are the most important thing in your life will say something almost kind about your ex because he is their father and their own self esteem is somehow tied up in the character of the man from whom they came.

All of this will come, but right now keep asking for and taking all the hugs you can get.

Here's another { }

[Midlife Slices]

I think other people actually believe we married "slime" and "WUSSI" because we loved them. I loved the man I thought he was, but loathed the man I found out he really was. You already feel like enough of a failure thanks to their barrage of insults, physical abuse, etc. so you do your best to salvage the situation for everyone elses sake. Too bad we spent so much time with these toxic people in our lives.
)))HUGS(((

[April]

Having slime in my life, I totally understand and feel the same way! And I hate that there's so much slime out there, sometimes I think life is a horror movie. I'm just glad I've found you and others out here that get it. And continue to be sorry that any of us have to get it at all!

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Judith,
Thanks for the hugs.
Yesterday, when I asked my daughter to have her father pay for her SAT (since I paid for it the first time), she said that she doesn't want to because he will get into an argument with her about taking a prep class (which she does not need). Ah, so she does know that talking with him causes confrontations. Is this an opening into her heart?

Midlife Slices,
More hugs! I feel huggable today.
What really gets to me is when people make proclamations about what you should do. And from what experience are their words of wisdom coming from? Being in stable 20-year marriages? Please. Sometimes people really don't get that life is not as easy to manuever as a talk-show host would have us believe.

April,
Wouldn't it be great if we could put on special slime-detecting glasses and voila, those slime-to-be men would appear bright green. Maybe that's why we're writing about this, to open up some women's eyes so they can recognize the slime in their lives. Yes, I like that. We are developing a slime-detection system.
Laura

[littlemansmom]

I've labled my 'slime' as Peckerhead....works for me :)

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Peckerhead: I like that, I bet it gets to his essence in a pretty basic way.

[Judith]

When I was divorcing someone sent this to me. It made me laugh and I thought of it whenever the X was sliming me.

"I ran into your x husband the other day, then I remembered what a dickhead you said he was so I backed up and ran into him again."

Your daughter . . . whew! It was so difficult for my daughter to be in the middle of the financial wars. My x makes 3 to 4xs what I make,(even with the measly child support he was able to get reduced below our state guidelines), yet we were expected to split things like school photos, test fees etc. 50/50. When he said okay to her exhorbitantly priced grad photos - he knew he was just making my life a little bit more difficult. Though it sounds logical and easy, I was never strong enough to say, "Sorry, this is what I can afford, if your dad wants to pay the rest that's fine."

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Judith,
I forgot to mention the 3V quality of slime: Vengeful, Vindictive and Vicious.

mr ex fired one attorney after, during our PSA negotiations, he had the temerity to suggest and agree to our paying the bills in an equitable manner (like health insurance). The attorney got a look and hand gesture and then he took it back. Did I say that the ex fired him after that?

[Soul]

My husband did the same: he lied that he has left work so the children and I will not get any financial support. He is also vindictive, vengeful and vicious... Sadly I do not have the finances to get the lawyers going... coming from a third world, our law does protect women like from leeches like my husband, unfortunately the process takes years. We do not have divorce also...

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Soul,
I'm sorry that you have to deal with your slime. So it turns out to be quite the international phenomenon. The only reason that I have money for the lawyer is because my parents are paying, otherwise the options would have been to leave with nothing and maybe not even with my daughters, or stay and endure. As it is they have spent so much money and not much to show for it. If I ever make a lot of money, I am committed to started a foundation to help women pay the fees to get divorced with an equitable agreement.