First Birthday Party for One

I went to the first birthday party of an adorable third cousin the other day. At the party was the birthday boy’s aunt who, after a disastrous first marriage, remarried last month. Also present was a friend of the birthday boy’s father, who will be getting married in April. There was wedding talk. At the party were also the infant children of friends, the 5-year-old child of a friend, and the teenage children of the birthday boy’s mother’s cousin. There was looking at children standing, running, sliding, and, generally, being children. And there was me, unaccompanied by any children, no wedding dresses to discuss, and no spouse to get me a bottle of water, hon, thanks.

I have begun to get used to and accepting of this situation, a post-modern version of the spinster aunt. Am I simply an “unaccompanied woman,” since that’s what I am and that’s certainly how I feel? While I have no intention of getting maudlin here, I need to acknowledge that not having children who are of an age that they have no choice but to come with me and without any leverage (or desire) to force them to come whether they like it or not, and not having a someone to fill in the gaps between going from group to group is lonely. And I wish it weren’t.

In what has become an awful habit, I check out the men in different settings to see if any would be click material if not married. And, as is generally the case, no one has click potential. In my defense, I must say that I don’t get out much. Both of these facts lead me to what is becoming a coming to terms that I will probably remain unaccompanied. Or maybe I am mentally preparing myself to be alone so that I won’t be disappointed (too much) if that, indeed, becomes my reality.

Who the hell cares if I’m lonely? That’s something that I need to deal with, by either stewing in my own juices or getting out more. I have often been alone (what a shock, a writer who likes to be alone), but this lemon tree in my front yard is not even letting me savor the richness of solitude. It’s being at a party knowing that I once had the accoutrements but now do not that is especially difficult. Those could be my kids eating the sushi and listening to grownups talk about wedding dresses. That could be my spouse who rubs my back as he listens to me talk to someone about our wedding 23-years ago. And that could be me, making sure my children get a slice of cake with rainbow frosting and say thank you when we leave. And that could be me, telling hubby that we need to stay for a few minutes. But it’s not.

No. This is my reality. And you know, all of those people, no one made me feel alone, I did that. I need to grow into my life, and shed my expectations and disappointments. I’m getting there. After all, I didn’t fake cancel going to the party because I didn’t want to be alone. And I didn’t come late and leave early (well, I left early, but that was the time the party was supposed to end). This is it babe. Deal.

* * *

Comments

[Jennifer]

I've had this precise feeling. When I did, I felt like crying, not because someone said something terrible or mean, but because I had to feel my way through my transition. The comfort that I took was that my solitude was better than the constant loneliness I felt in my marriage. I remember how much worse I felt standing at parties, apart from my husband, watching loving couples who seemed content. I embrace my transition and my single status because I know that I'm on the path to deeper satisfaction, partnered or not. Hang in there!

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Jennifer, absolutely no regrets on the move, but the transition, yes, it's something to embrace, but it also means to drop or change expectations and that is the difficult part. But I am definitely hanging in.

[April]

I totally know what you mean! Sometimes, at the most unexpected times, I have to fight back the tears. But loneliness, like any other emotion, is one that comes and goes. We can take it!

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

April, yes, loneliness is one of those meandering emotions. But why, why, do the emotions on the sad side of the scale meander over to me more than the happy ones? Maybe when the balance changes I will know that my life has really been transformed.

[Gwen]

I remember doing anything I could in order not to attend events while separated and newly divorced. I found it torture. It's funny though, for now that I have a steady boyfriend, I still feel that way. I find it so hard that I can't share my child with him the way 2 parents share their children. I guess it will always be hard and lonely in that sense. I need to learn from you....your goal is definitely more postive and healthier. I am going to try.

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Gwen, maybe this event wasn't so hard because I only knew the couple whose baby was having his birthday. The hardest event for me was my parent's 50th wedding anniversary; in spite of the fact that my spouseless presence was so obvious (we were not separated then), it was an empowering experience because I had told him not to come. I didn't want his presence to ruin the occasion for me. And that is what is important, that at a certain point we just say no to either suffering in their presence or suffering outside of their presence.

[Judith]

I agree with Jennifer. Cry once in a while - it's easier when you're alone, or if you're lucky, with a friend who understands. A five minute pity party can be very cathartic. When the five minutes is up, say out loud "This is no longer helpful." Get up, blow your nose, wipe your face with a cool or warm cloth (depending what you feel like), and carry on with your day.

Time heals all wounds and you WILL grow used to being alone as opposed to being lonely. I did. I even came to cherish my alone time. It's all part of getting to know oneself . . . and liking what you find.

hugs -

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Judith, I love crying in the car, although it should probably be made illegal, as should texting while driving.

I have so much alone time, that I need a break from me. It's the need to transform my expectations that, I think, will do much good.

[Jessica Bern]

It will be 4 years on Oct 30 since my ex moved out after 14 years together. To this day, I still find myself walking into a situation and feeling like I'm going to burst out in tears b/c I feel so lonely. And yet, I have never, ever been happier. I've climbed the mountain and I'm on my way back down now. I can breathe, the air isn't so thick and heavy anymore. I know how it is to watch the spouse rub the other's back or arm while he/she is talking. I had that but I also had a lot of horrible stuff and the trade off was worth it. First time here. Thanks for your honesty

[Jessica Bern]

It will be 4 years on Oct 30 since my ex moved out after 14 years together. To this day, I still find myself walking into a situation and feeling like I'm going to burst out in tears b/c I feel so lonely. And yet, I have never, ever been happier. I've climbed the mountain and I'm on my way back down now. I can breathe, the air isn't so thick and heavy anymore. I know how it is to watch the spouse rub the other's back or arm while he/she is talking. I had that but I also had a lot of horrible stuff and the trade off was worth it. First time here. Thanks for your honesty