Show Compassion for the Unhappily Married

The Rosh Hashanah sermon that the rabbi at my synagogue gave was about being more understanding to people who are unhappy or troubled in their marriages. The “come away” was not to judge people in this situation, which I guess means not to make them feel that they are failures, or that they are not properly mature to commit to a commitment, or that they are not deserving in compassion because they didn’t do what they are “supposed” to do. I was surprised by what he said, I had thought that people understood that when a person, or a couple, gets divorced it’s not because they didn’t try, but because it didn’t work. It’s like those people who think women rush to get an abortion without considering the various alternatives. If you are aware of the options, you can assume that the people in the midst of the problem know the options as well.

Judging others, shouldn’t that be a sin? I mean if gossiping is a big no-no, shouldn’t this be even bigger? Who put you in charge of deciding what is right and good for people? As far as I know, even therapists don’t tell people what to think or where they have gone wrong, they ask questions to get the client to consider the situation from other angles, to consider themselves from other angles.

I’m assuming that when someone tells someone else that she is unhappy in her marriage that the person she confided in is a friend or someone with whom there is a modicum of friendly feelings, so why would that person then go out and judge? Am I being naïve here? Do I assume too much from people, you know, that they care about the people they are talking to the same amount when they are face-to-face as when they are apart?

And why in this day and age are people judging others so harshly? Do we not get it that marriage is hard, that raising children is hard, that working is hard, that getting by day to day is hard? And you know what, even if the person did not work at her marriage and just decided that she didn’t want to be in it any more, isn’t that a valid enough reason to end it? And isn’t knowing that someone is unhappy enough to wish her happiness?

Is it jealousy or envy? Are the people who stayed in their unhappy marriages the ones who condemn those who break the commitment because they wish they had the strength to go—and not the weakness to stay? Is this similar to the most vociferous gay bashers who are often latent homosexuals who are afraid of their feelings?

Perhaps the expression “the grass is greener on the other side” has been transformed to “the grass is dried up on my side so why don’t you come over.” That sentiment must truly be sinful, and the antithesis of everything that we are taught, in whatever faith or non-faith tradition in which we are raised.

Sometimes our grass becomes poisonous and we need to change our diet. Sometimes our grass doesn’t grow enough to provide us with the sustenance we need, so we must move on. Sometimes our grass turns out to be Astroturf. Yes, compassion, I guess it is like fertilizer, helping new grass sprout within the soul of a marriage-saddened person. Why not spread some fertilizer this year instead of lawn mowers.
 
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Comments

[April]

I've never understood this type of judgment either. But I confess, I'm probably guilty of assuming that people who think they should end it should end it!

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Perhaps only someone who acknowledges her suffering can have compassion for a fellow sufferer?