Trying to Keep it Together

I lost it this evening. Sometimes all the encouraging words and thoughts and wishes for a better future are not enough to overcome a present that is just painful. Okay, I don’t have a life-threatening illness, and I appreciate that, I really do, but screaming out in pain from something my child says to me is mighty painful.

I was already drained after agreeing to let the rabbi in ex’s family deliver a few words to my daughter at her Bat Mitzvah. Yes, this is the man who I turned to after slime kicked a bag at my head and asked him to please talk to slime, that he is out of control. This is the man who at that time was studying for his doctorate in pastoral counseling who told me that no, he would not talk to him because he “doesn’t want to take sides, he loves us both.” So the very notion that he really will be there is bad enough, but that he will speak churns at me. Sure, I could say no, you don’t deserve any respect at this venue, but I know my daughter would not be happy about that, and that she would remember that he spoke at her sister’s Bat Mitzvah. Perhaps I am still an enabler.

Then there were the hours spent buying food for the big event at three different supermarkets after work. And no, I do not ever expect to get paid by slime, but my parents have stepped up instead of the man who was supposed to be by my side. (I wonder how father’s feel when they discover the man to whom they entrusted their daughters have so debased that trust?)

When I walked in the house, four hours after leaving work, I realized that I forgot to tell my daughter to walk the dog, since I had not been able to walk him the morning since he was in slime’s room. So after getting one daughter’s nastiness about my yelling, I was blindsided by my other daughter.

After telling her that no, she can’t have my car to buy something for her camera so she can take pictures this weekend, and no she can’t have my credit card she turned  so very nasty on me. Her survival instincts are truly horrific.

“You put shit on his car.”

“What?”

“There was shit on dad’s car, obviously you put it there.”

Here’s where all self-control and bladder control is lost. First I asked her, calmly, if she really believes that, then she said yes, there’s no other explanation for it otherwise. That’s when I slammed the utensil that was in my hand on the chopping board, and screamed so loudly or deeply that, I guess, all internal passages opened up and I started peeing. Then I crumpled onto the floor and was just a scene from some movie where “woman loses it.”

Yes she is 17. But that is an excuse for some things, not this, not believing all the things he says to her about me. I am her mother. I have never done anything to hurt her except to be her mother. (And if she finds this when she is older and is embarrassed, good for you. And if she finds this and is embarrassed by her mother, then good for you.)

I am too tired now. Too tired of this ridiculous home situation. Too tired of how trying to get out of a bad marriage has resulted in a far worse divorce.

Please, please let me have a little light in this tunnel. 

Comments

[Alma]

Laura, sometimes it is just better to ignore our children's tantrum. Yes, to me that's what it was-- your daughter playing you and she knows definitely how to push your buttons. The game is to learn how to dodge quickly and defend with subtlety. How did the rest of the day progress?

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Alma, I have no protective devices against my daughters. What they say goes right to my heart. I tell you, I was a heap on the floor yesterday, not only for what she said, but for her absolute adherence to her father. And while we can come up with lots of psychological reasons for her to do that, it is still incredibly painful for me.

I am absolutely drained, and I need to be upbeat for my other daughter's Bat Mitzvah. So, it is time for a shower renewal: I will stand under the hot water until I am ready to put make up on.

[Stepping Thru]

Bless your heart. 30 years ago I too went through a nasty divorce that drained me of all self. The only light I can give you is to remind you that God is in control and He wants your happiness. This too shall pass. As for your daughter, Alma was right. It is a control thing at this age. She knows you are feeling very emotional and consciously or subconsciously she is using this time of weakness to play the two of you against each other. Our kids did the same thing. You MUST above all things stand firm and let her know you love her but will not allow her to control you. I'm not Jewish so I don't know anything about Bat Mitzvah but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job of making her day special. One day she will look back and appreciate all you've done. Best Wishes!

[Stepping Thru]

Bless your heart. 30 years ago I too went through a nasty divorce that drained me of all self. The only light I can give you is to remind you that God is in control and He wants your happiness. This too shall pass. As for your daughter, Alma was right. It is a control thing at this age. She knows you are feeling very emotional and consciously or subconsciously she is using this time of weakness to play the two of you against each other. Our kids did the same thing. You MUST above all things stand firm and let her know you love her but will not allow her to control you. I'm not Jewish so I don't know anything about Bat Mitzvah but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job of making her day special. One day she will look back and appreciate all you've done. Best Wishes!

[Stepping Thru]

Bless your heart. 30 years ago I too went through a nasty divorce that drained me of all self. The only light I can give you is to remind you that God is in control and He wants your happiness. This too shall pass. As for your daughter, Alma was right. It is a control thing at this age. She knows you are feeling very emotional and consciously or subconsciously she is using this time of weakness to play the two of you against each other. Our kids did the same thing. You MUST above all things stand firm and let her know you love her but will not allow her to control you. I'm not Jewish so I don't know anything about Bat Mitzvah but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job of making her day special. One day she will look back and appreciate all you've done. Best Wishes!

[phhhst]

Ah, I really feel for you. My 16 year old son can totally push my buttons. On top of everything else you are going through, it must be brutal. My hat is off to you.

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Stepping Thru, thanks for your thoughts and comments. I am trying to figure out the best way to deal with her. In spite of whatever she shovels at me, I still get in that car, offer her something to eat, money to get something to eat, and a "have a great day." She tears up with me on occasion. I am, as my other daughter said, still her mother and that, I guess, is all I have to give her, whether she wants it or not. My younger daughter (the one who still visibly loves me) had her Bat Mitzvah yesterday. She is off now with her father buying her Uggs (with some of her gift money), which I thought I would be buying with her, but once again I have been put in the back seat by his manuverings and manipulations (or bullying), and trying not to scream about it.

phhhst, I am one big button. Luckily at school they haven't figured that out yet, they think I'm tough. Ha!

[JC]

Laura, this was a hard post to read. I wish I lived nearby so I could sit with you and give you encouraging words, but I'll send my thoughts your way and hope you know that you're not alone out there.

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

JC, I appreciate your compassion and friendship. While I didn't get that where I should, at home, I am grateful that I have received it, because you know, at times, when the words are so painful it's hard to recognize that you are any more than a heap and that you deserve to be more than a heap.

[marmitelover]

Christ what an evil bitch your daughter is. Mine's pretty awful too. Shame on her.