Dissolution of a Marriage

I’m trying to come up with some lessons learned to share, other than not to marry a psychopath, but I’m not coming up with anything. There’s just too much of so much to distill into a list of do’s and don’ts.

In 1985 I couldn’t have foreseen that I was marrying a psychopath. In 1985 I couldn’t have foreseen that the man who was full of promise would accuse me of stealing plastic containers and insult a receptionist at my lawyer’s law firm, and become a virtual joke through his capacity to be evil and petty. In 1985 maybe I did see a glint of “my tribe before all others” but then I thought that it meant that he would protect me and not that he would try to take from me whatever he could. How can you convey the pain of the wrong decision, or the pain of “people change,” or the pain of “no longer have common goals and interests”?

I did not go through this “for a reason” nor did it make me a “better person.” I went through this because it happened, because it is my life, as others live their lives. There is no higher purpose to pain, as there is none to pleasure, it is what it is. And no, I have not become cold and hard, this is the way I have been, taking life into myself and trying to live it without bestowing it with otherworldly qualities.

Rather than being elated in the last few days, I have been tired and bothered by an intermittent headache. Last night I went to bed at 7:30 (mainly because I had two beers because I didn’t want to think, and the beer made me tired), but when I woke up at 10:30 I didn’t get out of bed (except to go to the bathroom numerous times). I just lay there listening to the cars on the highway not far away and music on the radio. I was not really thinking, I was just there, but I wouldn’t call this my time to meditate. Or maybe I could. Maybe I’m going through an invisible wall that divides between the tunnel of “where I have been” to the path (surely not another tunnel) to “where I am going.” Or maybe I am simply tired of life as it’s been lived and now that it is over my body can finally take a break from holding me up.

This stillness bothers me, but I don’t want to fight it. I should probably start going out and doing things, but I find the inertia calming. What is it that I want now that I have gotten the chance to get it?

• I want to do new things.
• I want to be comfortable with who I am.
• I want to be calmer.
• I want to be less guarded.
• I want to touch other people’s lives in a positive way.
• I want to find the balance of motherhood to a teen who is just starting high school and a teen who is on her own.
• I want to be loved.
• I want to love.
• I want to create happiness.
• I want to share.
• I’d also like world peace, afterall my graduate studies were in how to prevent and stop conflicts, so why not.

Comments

[Pegzateacher]

Laura, I just joined you and commented on Chapter One. I love it. I relate to you. I see much of myself in you.
I have a teenage son. I have a grown up daughter who has estranged (what is this word, sounds like strangle. Which is what I'd like to do to her since for 1984 this child I loved and raised alone until she was 7 when I married my verbally abusive husband, could not give me the time of day for 5 f'ing long years.)
Anyway, I digress.
I can tell you 1) you HAVE touched my life
2) motherhood is always a teeter totter and balance is just relative how you turn your head looking at the beam. It will always give you a curve ball. Hang in there. I AM. You can also!
3) You are sharing. I HEAR YOU! Others, maybe they did not want to sign into yet another site with yet another user ID and password.
(I THINK I HAVE over 60 now. Chriminey!)
4) The stillness you resist is the stillness you seek. Accept it. It is really there for you.

Get this book. Cheap. Used Amazon.com: Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie. It is what the One Day At A Time is for me in my Alanon days. I still read both and I have others (esp. by Beattie).

Your blog helps me. You may feel no one is listening. I listen. I FOUND YOU. I am linking your site to everything I can.

I need others to talk to. Find my comments. I have not yet gone through the divorce yet. I see his need to control and his antics at the lawyers office all one in the same. He needs to make his mark on things which he cannot control but want to appear that he in control. Somewhere in his small thought he has this need to do SOMETHING, stupid, embarrassting as it may be. BUT SOMETHING. Poor soul. Don't stoop to the idiocy. Be the bigger person.
I am here. I will listen.
If you don't want to stay strong. Don't. Ask for help. Cry. It's really okay. I am and was at this point a zillion times. (Remember the teeter totter?) I cope. I ache and my heart has scars. So what? Gives me character.
I'm glad I found you!

[Pseudo]

I think you'll know when you feel like going out. Follow your instincts. Rest, peace, healing. You need that right now I think.

[JC]

Laura, after what you've been through, I can understand why you'd be tired. This is your time to heal. Take as much time as you need to rest and don't feel guilty about it. Then get yourself some Ben & Jerry's.

[rockync]

"The key to happiness is letting go." Buddah
Now let go; your life is waiting. :)

[Beth]

I'm glad you shared these thoughts. I'm weary of people telling me that my experience was "meant to be" - that I've become stronger. Maybe I have but still...
And the inertia? I think it's necessary as the mind and body learn to re-focus after having engaged in battle for so long.
Be gentle and patient with yourself as you strive to achieve your new (and wonderful) goals.

[morethananelectrician]

I find that I drift off to bad places when I get into the "where have I been" and "where am I going" states of mind. I think you need some time to make this "pit stop"...change your "tires" and "refuel"...hang in there.

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Pegzateacher, I'm so glad that I am able to be a comforting voice. Sorry, of course, that you, too, have to deal with an abusive husband. Thanks for the book recommendations.

Daughters. My older one is in California now, she made her escape and seems quite happy, but it was an unsteady course once the marriage really got bad and he turned to her.

Crying, I don't think that this is a sign of weakness, only of strength because you are responding to your body's needs. What could be weak about that?

Regarding court and legal battles. With five-year's worth of stories I can sum up my advice to: always know what you want before you go into any meeting and stand firm. Don't let him, his lawyer, even your lawyer or any mediator to sway you from what you believe is just. Oh, and be prepared to be disappointed. Oh, one more, men seem to side with men and the narcissist usually manages to get people to see his side and to see you as shrill.

Welcome!

Pseudo, right now I definitely feel that I am where I want and need to be: in my apartment, with my daughter and two of her friends who are here for a sleep-over. As my mother said, that shows you how much she cares. And me, I am smiling as I listen to the extremely noisy vent as I prepare baked ziti, and after I finish these comments, onto one-bowl chocolate cake.

rockync, I'm not a Buddhist. I need to try some more to get what I deserve and if it doesn't happen, then I will be ready to let go. "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens" (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

Beth, I'm glad to hear that I am not alone in not feeling the higher purpose of pain (of whatever source). I now have a few weeks for inertia; I'm glad that I'll be taking a class this summer to push me into other thoughts.

MTAE, have you taken me NASCAR? I've mulled on the past so much that I really feel ready to move forward.

[jessica]

You are at the beginning of your new life and I am so excited for you. The inertia really is your body telling you, 'Hey I need a minute' and I'm glad you're listening to it. You've been through hell and now you're finally finding peace in your life and I'm thrilled for you.

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Jessica, thanks for your encouraging--and humorous--words. Inertia, I'm hoping it's more like a cocoon and the next phase is to emerge as a butterfly. Or is the slimy phase next? Oh, well, it's got to lead to beauty.

[Ricardo]

These are all WONDERFUL things to have and want. I will say this and I don't mean you to think it negatively: NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!!!