Looking for Love Online: Giving Up

For me the summer will officially be over next Monday when I go back for my week of teacher-training and preparation for the big start the following week. The new year will begin as the last year ended on the romance front, but at least in June there was the hope of a summer romance. Now there is the reality of no summer romance and a deepening understanding that I really might be headed to a Golden Girls scenario down the road.

Not only was the romance-less summer disappointing, the few dates or communications that I had have caused pain. Maybe I need to have thicker skin, but if I was going to have thicker skin, it would have developed by now—and it hasn’t, not by the slightest fraction of an inch. It really is you out there, alone, sitting at a computer or a table opposite someone who has his own agenda or expectations that you think should be benign—positive even—but they just don't always end up to be so.

Just this week a lovely widowed Frenchman who has been raising his son by himself who lives nearby, but is currently working in Nigeria building roads, toyed with me. Oh, it was fun. It turns out it’s easy to overcome your finely-tuned instincts when you are fawned over by a handsome man. But today, when I was told that he was upset, that something had happened, that he planned to commit suicide the antennae were up—but so was the seriously concerned heart beating far too fast. When the gunshot sound came through the computer I thought “Oh, no,” and ever so cautiously “What’s going on?” But it was all good in the end, because apparently all he needed was to send some money to his uncle who could then file the papers he needed to….SPAM.

Then there was the man who, apparently, on our one and only date was really filling out an internal questionnaire. Apparently I did not pass the test because I was not courteous enough to the waitress and, I guess, I didn’t cry out in the way of being saved at some revival that he is the man for me. I know that I failed the test because he contacted me about a second date and apparently I again failed the test because my response was a little harsh. What do these men think? They tell you that they have “too many issues” in their life to get involved and then a week later say, no, you know, I really do like you so let’s meet again. Men, know that even single women are people.

I almost forget to mention the older man who seriously looked older than elder. Not just that, our conversation really highlighted that he was of a totally different generation than me. Now I know what I must sound like to my students.

Too bad that I finally splurged on a three-month membership to JDate, because apparently I don’t turn the Jewish guys on either. Oy.

There was one very nice man with whom I had two dates. But the sparks didn’t fly. Too bad.

At this point I’m not so worried that some date will read what I have said about previous dates here because I’m expectationless.

I still don’t regret telling pseudo-man that I don’t want to get together with him now that he really is separated. Even though he is the only man who has sailed my ship, I have learned something, and that is that I really do need to worry about myself and not be here as a platform for a man’s ego.

Oh, and I’ve finally gotten started on my novel and it is going well. There’s a romance in it. And it’s lovely. I think I’ll focus on this fictional romance for a while. So far the gentleman is courteous, caring, compassionate and his kisses…well, you’ll have to read the book. Now that I have so much time to work on it, it shouldn’t take too long to finish writing (and enjoy imagining) it.

P.S.  I had one more date set up for this afternoon, which I decided to go on. It was, truly, the cherry on top. The man had answered my ad, it turns out, because he likes to hear people's stories. It also turns out that he is married, not happy, and thinking that maybe sometime he will have an affair. This is the man who told me, shocker, that he is very conservative. After I gave my mini-lecture on being forthright and not lying to people, I got up and left. Leaving behind my frozen lemonade but not a shred of myself.  

Comments

[MsDarkstar]

Looking forward to the novel.

I have absolutely NOTHING to say about dating. I can't say I've ever really done it. Yeah... I've been married more than once and never once had what I could call a dating relationship. Hmmm...looks like my method doesn't work so hot... *smile

[JC]

Laura, I'm so sorry to hear about the Nigerian scam. Unbelievable. Working on the novel sounds like just the right thing to do. I'm looking forward to buying a copy one day.

[Kimberly Weigert]

Laura, I also ended a 23 year marriage in 2006. It was horrible. a Japanese women he worked with swooped in and grabbed him as soon as we started a trial seperation and the two of them plotted and scheamed against me. We sent extreemly nasty email back and forth. all of a sudden I was served with a harrassment order from her!! I only said nasty things about her in emails to HIM. Anyway, I live in Maui and had to fly to California and pay 3k for a lawyer. Outside the courtroom we made a deal that we had a TEMPORARY Mutual order between the three of us. I am now married again to a great guy I met ON THE INTERNET. And I am 52. So, don't give up. Just toss that evil ex out of your mind. Mine was so evil and I know he will be evil to his hag of a girlfriend as soon as she marries him. I am living in paradise and loving life.

[rockync]

Laura, I think focusing on your other passion (writing) is a most excellent and worthwhile way to spend your time. Funny how life works sometimes; it seems like when you are not even thinking about something you want or need, it appears. Perhaps a wonderful relationship will show up like that.
In the meantime, being an avid reader, I will eagerly await the completion of your book!

[Beth]

I took a few baby steps into the world of on-line dating and then decided I'm not ready. It's on hold - for how long? Maybe forever?
I think you'll find far more satisfaction with your fictional romance character - you can even create a happily-ever-after! And that's definitely fiction!

[April]

I, for one, totally understand your decision. It's amazing how much more time one has to focus on our own happiness when we're not trying to make someone else happy!

[Geo]

You know, Laura, after I first saw you mention Plenty of Fish a few posts ago, I dropped by there to take a look. And as I've read your posts over the last couple of months you strike me as quite a cut above the endless parade of lonelylady, bkrchik, and starbabe entries I saw there. Though I personally have never tried internet dating - other than one time when the server crashed during my questionnaire on one site many, many years ago (which, in retrospect, was probably something of a clue) - I just can't help but imagine you are probably far better off trying other routes.

That is not the voice of experience, by the way. I have no success even getting a response from a simple 'Hello,' but you get the idea.

Good luck on the book. I'm diving into mine, as well, after a considerable amount of time avoiding it...

[Jan]

I am an old hand at internet dating, and boy - do I have some stories to tell (and have, on my blog). I met a couple of nice men and dated them, but neither were ready to make a commitment to a divorced woman with 3 kids, one of which had behavioral problems. After the second relationship went south, I just decided I'd had it with trying to meet men and was going to concentrate on MY life, and MY job and MY kids. Who needed a damn man, anyway?

Two months later I met Beloved, and here we are, together still - it's been 10 years. Sometimes, it comes along when you're least expecting it.

[Liz A.]

I think those who come along when you least expect it are the best.

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Ms Darkstar, I wish I had nothing to say about dating, but there isn't a moment sitting opposite some strange man that I don't doubt that I did the right thing divorcing exman. The novel, oh, it is going very well.

JC, amazing how easily we can put aside our antennae for the lure of love.

Kimberly, I hoping that at some point in the future I, too, will feel that I am living in paradise. In the meantime, without slime it is still a good deal.

rockync, besides working on the book, I'll also be volunteering at a museum in DC. Getting out and doing what I want to do, creating my happiness, yes, that does seem to be a better plan that wasting time on useless men.

Beth, I haven't decided on the ending. But in the meantime, I'm enjoying the romance. Tonight I might even write a sex scene, oh, fantasies are fun. Maybe you'll have better luck that I had. I hope you do.

April, now that one daughter is out of the house and the other is starting high school, I decided that the time has come to do some volunteer work. I'm looking forward to working on my happiness and spending my time fulfilling myself. Working on my happiness and not another's, that's definitely an insight that takes time and experience to learn--and act on.

Geo, I will admit that the quality of men on Plenty of Fish is quite low, although I have met some decent people via Craig's List, just not for me. The whole lonely hearts circuit is a sad place to be.

Breakthroughs and success with your book!

Jan, people keep telling me that it will happen, maybe it will. One of the reasons I had done the internet dating thing was because I was pushing against my introversion and lack of go-get-it attitude, but maybe it really is time to go back to sitting back.

Liz A, from your mouth to the universe!