On Saturday evening I went to a friend’s house for a mid-holiday Rosh HaShanah (New Year) dinner. Besides me, there were three couples and their two, two, and one children. I had thought before the evening that I would feel a stab of discomfort or loss at my unaccompanied presence. For a brief moment before it was time to go I even considered cancelling and staying wed to my couch. But I didn’t. It could be that my friend and her friends and family were all interested and interesting people so the conversation flowed easily and I didn’t get caught in any down-times in conversation that left me without a built-in conversation partner.
Have I overcome a hump? The “I’m alone” hump? Am I now resolutely in the “it’s okay to be alone” phase? Is this what it feels like to be a person who is not dependent on another or with others dependent on her—or wishing that someone would depend on me? Should I rejoice in this chance to focus on what I want to focus and not moan that one daughter is in California and the other spent the holiday with her father? Is this my chance to be stripped of imposed-upon roles so that I can whittle myself down to my own essence? It’s as if I can feel the layers of personhood that I was and still am, but now I can also clearly discern the self—my self. Enough time was given up to the regret phase that I am purified of it, and so this transcendence doesn’t feel like a trick of a mourning self, but the very real reflection of a person who respects herself and her life.
So this is what it’s like to be me. I talk read write critique listen laugh greet walk observe eat shop cook drive plan think inquire doubt. I don’t seem to do anything. But perhaps that is not essential to me. The doing is the living. This is my life. It doesn’t need highlights to be a highlight. Satisfied with who I am, does that mean that I am not looking for someone to redefine me? Does it mean, too, that I will not let someone else redefine me? I hope so. It’s taken a while to reach this configuration of self; a while and a journey. It seems that I do things. But I also contemplate them.
I have begun 5770. A new year. Stepping into a new year with the fullness of how the years past have wrought me and excited for how I will hone the future, moment by moment.
Its so nice to be able to feel good about being alone. Kudos to you! I'm no there yet, but thanks for helping me see that there is light at the end of the long tunnel!
Posted by: Samantha | September 20, 2009 at 07:51 PM
You have come a long wayin these past few months. I think doing things on YOUR terms is the key for you right now. That is a big one to be able to control.
Posted by: morethananelectrician | September 20, 2009 at 08:57 PM
A wonderful beginning and New Year for you.
There is peace to be found in just letting go - discovering, being and delighting in yourself. Not always easy though...
In certain social situations (i.e all couples) I still have some trouble being the only single one. Working on that...
Posted by: Beth | September 21, 2009 at 10:12 AM
Mazal Tov and Shana Tovah my friend. This is a huge step and one that you are ready for.
Posted by: Gwen | September 21, 2009 at 10:23 AM
I read your next-to-last paragraph and thought, "Ain't it grand?"
Yes, it is. And good for you.
Posted by: Jan | September 21, 2009 at 03:25 PM
This is your year to revel in your new independence and new life. May it be a year of peace and good health.
Posted by: JC | September 22, 2009 at 04:12 PM
Samantha, my, how long that tunnel was and honestly, I really didn't think that there was an end. This is surely one of the few times that I was pleased to be proven wrong.
MTAE, it is so absolutely liberating to not have to second guess anything I do.
Beth, at first I needed to explain why I'm talking about a daughter who's not there. But it was quite lovely to calmly say that I am divorced and she's with her father. Facts. These are facts, no longer agonies.
Gwen, I'm working on a new mantra.
Jan, grand indeed. Who needs drama?
JC, think you for your kind wishes. May we all have many years of peace and good health.
Posted by: Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman | September 23, 2009 at 10:00 PM
oh Laura I could not agree with you more. You are truly healing. Shana Tova
Posted by: jessica | September 26, 2009 at 11:49 PM
Rocky start for me this new year but I will persevere. By choosing to go out and not giving into the discomfort of being "alone" you will get over the hump.
Facing it will win you this battle. And you will see that it's not so bad.
Posted by: Ricardo | October 02, 2009 at 07:18 PM
It took me quite a while to find and be contented with 'me' again, once I was on my own. Good on you! Its a great place of relief and satisfaction.
Posted by: Brigit | October 07, 2009 at 07:22 PM