Where's My Coffee?

It seems that break-time has descended upon me. As in take a break from writing the blog. Although it seems more that writing has taken a break from me because I have become writingless. In the past few weeks no thoughts or ideas have germinated, and certainly none have grown. I am simply striding along. Yes, I have become a strider. A friend told me that she thinks it has to do with my father’s recent death, and she is probably right. But beyond that, or because of that, of late life has come to feel depthless. Or is it that peaks of happiness seem so remote? Yes, I am to make my own happiness. Yes, I am to make my own adventures and successes and joys. But how do you go about doing that when you have no vitality except in a corner of your mind that is more a reminder of the kernel of self gone by than a piece of current passion?

There are no excuses and no places to hide. There are no battles to be had and survived. There is the ebb and flow. There is just me.

Lately I stay up way past my 9 o’clock bedtime because too often I regret the passage of another day that is simply a notch on a wall and not an experience.

Now I am tired because the end of the day, the end of the weekend, has come and with it no anticipation of relief through sleep. No relief. Just more of the same monotony of experience and thought, and that is so trying and tiring. But how can I make myself push past who I am in order to be someone who bursts forth with excitement? A slump. Perhaps. Or is it a new place? In the happy, happy way we are supposed to think I am supposed to think that this is some plateau before I reach up, up, up to a higher level of fulfillment and satisfaction. But it doesn’t feel that way. It feels that I have reached a treadmill quality of life with no buttons to push to change pace or direction.

I didn’t think I had it in me to get this far. I thought that I would only get a sentence or two out, like a “Back in Five Minutes” sign. Does that mean that I am not as blank as I thought? Or does it mean that I am always self aware, even as I seep down, depleted? I don’t want to fight this quietness that is calling for control; I will respect it.

Back when…

Comments

[Msdarkstar.blogspot.com]

We will leave the light on for you.

[Beth]

You are writing about not writing - which is a good thing. It helps.
And at times, striding and going with the ebb and flow is an excellent thing to do, too. I think you're wise to listen to your body and your mind.
Plateaus, peaks and valleys...

[rockync]

Laura, you have been through so much travesty in such a compressed period of time, it is no wonder that you are in a "slump."
Loss of marriage, loss of your home, loss of your child (thankfully just moved away,but a loss none the less) and the loss of your dear father.
You are, after all, human and subject to all the frailities that accompany being human.
Your grief is still very much in the forefront. I know this sounds like a tired old cliche but you need time. Time to be sad, time to miss what is lost and then time to begin again, to find the hope and joy in little things and later bigger things.
For me meditation helps me find my center. At night I use a kind of progressive relaxation that I used to do with drug addicts when I worked in rehab. I repeated it so often, I can do it all in my head and I use it to combat my chronic insomnia.
You are ok, you know. Life isn't static; there is no "happy all the time" corner of the world you can go to. Life is messy and sometimes painful and sometimes joyful -- it is what we have, and we endure.
You will endure, you will trimuph and you will be happy again.
And you WILL finish that book I'm waiting here patiently for... :)

[Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman]

Ms. Darkstar, I appreciate your thoughtfulness and concern.

Beth, plateaus, peaks, valleys, I like that idea. Although sometimes the path is so dense that no view is visible, only the path and the footsteps that are placed on it.

rockync, thank you so much for that dose of insight. I have forgotten about how much change or loss I have gone through lately, perhaps because I've gotten so used to that being the norm. I'll have to check out progressive relaxation.

I did finish the book, or I thought I finished the book until I revised it and realized that the end is missing something. My goal is to figure out that something and write it during spring break, which is, oh, so soon.

[JC]

Laura, you've certainly earned a break with all that you've been through, echoing the thoughts of the others. May your break leave you feeling refreshed and renewed.