Plenty Beads
Romantic Weekend in Belfast

The Fuzzy and Infinite Bead of Plenty

I ended my previous post, a month ago with this paragraph: “How could I not reach out my hand to touch this preposterous bead? It feels as if the ineffable quality that oversees the wonders and ways of the world is presenting me with the most precious bead of plenty—a bead that grows to encompass all manner of well-being, fuzzy and infinite.”

The bead that I was referring to is a man with whom, 28 years ago, I would walk along the daytime and nighttime streets of Manhattan (and one bridge to Brooklyn in a blizzard) being the most open I had ever been with anyone. This man suddenly appeared in my in-box from where he has since snuggled his way into that space I didn’t know existed: a heart untrammeled.

When I started this blog in April 2008, I needed an outlet from all the pain I was experiencing from another man I met 28 years ago: my ex-husband. (Speak about making the wrong choice!) When I began the divorce proceedings four years before that, it was not to clear my decks for another man or even—utterly preposterous—the idea of love; rather, it was to come up for air. For too long I had been stifled: stifled by him and stifled by myself in reaction to him. And the blog, well, I needed to figure out how to breathe again.

First I just poured out in pain. I was seeking to find solace in the opening up, in the discovery of shared pain, in the offering of words of wisdom from survivors, in the providing of comfort to those who only had pain. And then, once I began to find my breathe and my voice, I found that I didn’t just reside in pain. I found that I could write—and think—about things that did not revolve around my life and its downs and occasional ups. I would write about all manner of thing. I liked to think of myself as a columnist (note: I would love to be a columnist) sharing my point-of-view and insights. But always, always there was some new anguish from my ex-husband that I needed to screech out. And now, well it still happens because he has not changed, but I don’t want to dwell on it, I want to acknowledge it and return to the path that my life has taken.

I am, for a moment, without words. Not just that I never thought I would be so fulfilled from a man’s attentions, but that I honestly did not expect more than a freedom of self when I began the divorce journey and the blog journey. Who knows what is beyond, yonder on the horizon, but I know what is not there. What is not there is the pain that has been transcribed here.

In a telling reflection that life is never flawless, this man lives abroad. I will be visiting him for a few days in six weeks—the countdown is on. But when you have two writers unfolding their hearts to and for the other, it is a thing of transcendent beauty. My inbox surely runneth over.

My words, and my thoughts, and my creativity, I have begun to channel to this man as well as to the new book that I have started writing. And so, I guess, I am saying goodbye. Or maybe, because goodbye seems so final and hard, I am saying that when and if I return it will not be as a woman discovering a recipe for lemonade to use the lemons her life dropped into her basket, but it will be as a woman who has recipes for cakes and soups, the sustenance of life. Or maybe I won’t have any recipes to share, just stories that show it is possible to go from the depths of the tunnel where no light can penetrate, to a place that feels darn close to Everest.

Comments

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Grace, I wish you well on your blogland return. Thanks for stopping by and wishing me well on the awesome part of my life that is unfolding. All the best.

Margaret

Laura, I'm going to out myself finally in a symbolic gesture. My heart is full of happiness for you. You've shared your incredible journey and experiences with us; you've put it all out there for everyone to read. You've touched people with your words of strength, hope, comfort and resilience. Your blog is a testament to a strong woman who never gave up hope.

Three weeks and counting!

Your faithful reader and friend,
Margaret
(Formerly known as JC)

SimplyForties

Good luck and God bless Laura, you deserve some joy in your life!

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Margaret, Your friendship has become one of the truly incredible gifts that blogging has given to me and I treasure it as a great big bead of plenty.

Simply Forties, thank you for your heartfelt well-wishes. I am proud of the writing I did here, but more than that of the wonderful people who have touched my life as a result.

Antonella

Hi Laura, I've left a comment before but somehow it disappeared. I'm glad that your life is at a turning point and you've finally found happiness. I hope you will come back every now and then and let us know how happy you are. God bless. Hugs. Ciao. A.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Antonella, thank you for your kind words. Yes, I will definitely be back. I fly to Belfast in 17 days for my four days with this wonderfully fuzzy and warm man. An update will definitely be forthcoming.

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