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February 28, 2013



I have a vaguely similar situation and here's the thing I tell myself and will pass on to you. At any time, your ex could have made the choice to NOT follow you, to NOT support your endeavors but he didn't. He made choices and choices often come with consequences.

I posit that you imposed nothing upon him. He did what he did willingly. At the same time, I fully understand your sadness. I have to keep telling my mother that having compassion for my Wasband doesn't mean I still love him, it simply means I find it upsetting that someone I spent 15 years with is having a difficult time (even though he doesn't give a rat's patoot when I am struggling).

Things will work out. For all of you.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Womann

Ms. Darkstar, thank you for your thoughts and insights. I wonder, when you're in a relationship, how much we act without having the other being superimposed on our thoughts, whether we want him there or not? Isn't that one of the joys and sorrows of being in a relationship: always thinking about someone else and always being lost to some degree in that relationship? With that said, you are right, we have to live with the consequences of our actions and inactions.

I just hope that he will contact his daughters. I cannot imagine what they are going through knowing that their father walked out on them.


Laura, I think this should be required reading for anyone who has ever said that they can't understand how a person could end up homeless. I feel for all of you, and I can certainly understand your empathy for your ex, but I hope you can let go of the guilt you're feeling.

Don't punish yourself for leaving a bad situation.

Cathryn Bauer

What McLesh said. It sounds to me that throughout the difficult years of your marriage, you acted in good faith and with integrity. Yes, he had a choice at all times. It sounds to me that if he had ever said to you, "I can't live in America," for example, you would have stayed on his turf. Blessings to you. I am sorry for the rough time that you and your children have and wish you the very best. But I think that you have always been more clearsighted and just than you are, perhaps, allowing yourself to realize.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Womann

Mclesh, On the day I posted this, when I stopped at a traffic light I saw a man with a sign that read: "Homeless, Please Help." I never give money. Why? I realized that I have no good reason not to. So I took out a $5 and gave it to him. May we all help each other when we are in need.

Cathryn, funnily, when we were in New York when our older daughter was a toddler, living about two miles from my parents, I said that I didn't want to go back, but he did. And we did. I don't know. Don't we try in a relationship to support our partner? Putting them in front of ourselves, hoping that their happiness will be ours too. Maybe there is too much empathy?

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