Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

It's Finally Over: Unravelling the Thread

This is my story, my unraveling of my thread to try to find where things got twisted. It has been/is a worthwhile journey for me. I hope that the experience presented in these "It's Finally Over" games has been/is helpful to you too. But now, perhaps it is time for you to unravel your own life: start where you want, let the thread of your life unravel as your mind wanders, just try to look at its path with a clear head.

 

* * *

It's Finally Over: Take a Look Around

Visit dating websites, look at men in stores and cafes, start imagining yourself with some of them (one at a time, of course). You need to disassociate yourself from your spouse and rationally put yourself beside someone else. Though you may relish the solitude, don’t think that you have been sentenced to a life of isolation. And you don't need to imagine a "forever" relationship, imagine what you need--but just imagine.

 

* * *  

It's Finally Over: Voodoo Fingers

Face his room, his car, his seat, or the general direction you think he is located and, with absolute conviction and all the anger and hate you can muster, gesture lewdly. Give the finger. Fly the bird. Make a face. Stick out your tongue. Thrust whatever you want in his direction. What an outlet. It always gives me a rush of satisfaction, makes me feel brazen and not the compliant woman waiting, waiting, waiting for things to happen.

 

Maybe you can add a voodoo sound to the mix.

 

* * *  

It's Finally Over: Banish Despair

Recall dreams that you had before you became embittered and poisoned with a narrow-minded focus on your pain. Bring back the laughter and joy that were once part of your life—you know it was there—and let it invade you, pushing out, even temporarily, the pain you are living through. This pain is—must be—only temporary, there must be an end. As there is no pure happiness, so, too, there is no pure unhappiness. Let the smiles and joy filter in, past the veil of disappointment.

 

* * *

It's Finally Over: Life Lessons

List the things you have learned going through this ordeal. Cast your net wide; don’t restrict your list to yourself and your spouse or ex-spouse. Friends: who proved to be friends, and who was not supportive. Things that were right or not. Things you were proud that you did. Things that you were disappointed in how they turned out. Did you go to the right lawyer? Was he aggressive enough? Were you still walked over? Why? Therapy, did it help? Should you have gone?

 

Look back. Even if it bites. It will help you look forward, and plan for the future, and live--always--at least part of the day, for today.  

 

* * *

It's Finally Over: Name Game

I’ve named some more things.

• Name of my bed: No sides taken
• Name of my first blooming plant: New growth
• Name of my car: Freedom rider
• Name of the smaller size pants that I will eventually fit into (when I stop overeating from life-ache): Welcome back
• Name of the divorce decree that came later rather than sooner: The End and The Beginning 
• Name of my new lipstick: Eagerly awaiting
• Name of my bedroom: Open retreat

 Have some fun and come up with some of your own.

Looking at Marriage in a Glass Half-full/Half-empty Way

Know that you’ll always get a birthday present.

 

Know that you won’t have to ask for the gift receipt or pretend that you like something that you don't.

 

* * *

It's Finally Over: Signs for Life

I made some signs for redefining myself and my life.

• Sign over my heart:  Open for Business
• Sign on my head:  Bruises Easily
• Sign on my hand:  Hold gently, but firmly 
• Sign on my mouth:  Caution, speaks bluntly
• Sign on my torso:  As Is

Now try some of your own. 

* * *

It's Finally Over: Party Time

I can’t wait to have my D-Day party. (It's on-hold until I am out of this house, and can truly feel divorced.) If you’re planning a party to celebrate your divorce, what will you wish for as you blow out the candle or candles on your divorce cake? (Hopefully, without ruining it for me) I will fervently wish for happiness. I think I deserve it.  As do we all.

 

I wonder if I should have one candle, for the year to come, or one representing each year of the marriage?

 

* * *

Looking at Marriage in a Glass Half-full/Half-empty Way

You have someone to pamper when he’s sick, bringing to the fore your innate care and compassion.

 

You no longer have to service his every call for tea, tissues, water, cough syrup, lozenge, chicken soup, newspaper, tea, tissues, water, cough syrup, lozenge, chicken soup, newspaper endlessly throughout the day and days.

 

* * *

It's Finally Over: Material Girl

So much time and energy and money is spent on buying things for our homes. But so many of those decisions were made together, or under the direction of that someone special. At some point you need to think about what you like and what you don’t, about how you want your home to look and feel--even if it's still just a vague dream for the future. Take some time to think about what things you liked or did not like, and what you would have wanted. 

 

·         Things you want from your life together.

·         Things you never want to see again. 

·         Things that make you break down.

·         The first thing that you would like to buy for yourself, for your own place.

 

* * *

 

The first thing that I think about buying is a mezzuzah. While it is supposed to be a reminder of God's presence and of the commandments, it is the first thing that you do (affix it to the doorframe) when you move into a home, so for me it signifies my freedom. My freedom to answer to God and my understanding of how my life should be lived, and not to let the imperfect motivations of a man deter me from that commitment.

 

* * *   

 

It's Finally Over: Scenes & Images

During my marriage I had not embraced as fully as I would have liked the freedom of interacting with people and traveling. So much of who I was was defined by the two of us, and what we did or did not do, or what was wanted and then compromised away. Now I like to think about doing the things I want to do, without considering anyone else’s foibles and interests. Daydream about:

·         Places to go

·         People to meet

·         Things to do

·         Things to create

 

* * *

 

 

Looking at Marriage in a Glass Half-full/Half-empty Way

Discuss the pros and cons of all purchases.

 

Just buy it.

Looking at Marriage in a Glass Half-full/Half-empty Way

You have a man who will take care of you.

You have a man who will take care of you, unfortunately he’s your lawyer and you have to pay him a lot of money to disentangle you from the man who ultimately took care of himself and not you.

It's Finally Over: Niceties to Come

What would you like people to do for you now and in the future? This is your chance to begin visualizing and thinking about how you want things to be different—better. By thinking of new paths—and not just ruts—you can change your course, even if at first it is only in how you feel, for that, indeed, is the truest change.

It's Finally Over: Niceties

Remember some things that people have done for you or said to you that made you feel good, and which were done out of a pure expression of love and friendship. Even in the midst of all the badness, there has been some goodness—remember that, and hold onto it. You need to lose your claustrophobia that every relationship will be how yours was. Then you can begin to create and find openings in your life.

It's Finally Over: Loaded Words

Rethink and reclaim some words that have probably developed a very negative or loaded connotation for you.

• Caress
• Commitment
• Companion
• Compassion
• Concern
• Desire
• Discussion
• Embrace
• Future
• Happiness
• Honesty
• Honor
• Husband
• Intimacy
• Kiss
• Love
• Man
• Marriage
• Open
• Passion
• Respect
• Sex
• Share
• Trust
• Vacation

It’s Finally Over (4): Basic Human Needs

The following are what I perceive as the basic human needs of a woman living with a controlling man, or in an abusive situation, or recovering from being in one. These are based on my life and my thoughts, so they may not correspond to what you need. So, once you go over this list, think about yourself and your own needs, change the list so it reflects the basic needs of your situation. You may also want to note if you have fulfilled those needs, or what you need to do or happen so that they will be fulfilled.

·        Confidence that you deserve more than you are getting from your marriage

·        Hope that you can get out of your current situation safely and that things will improve

·        Space where you can feel safe and free from interruptions, tantrums and abuse; a place where you can be and feel free

·        Encouragement from people who listen to you and support you as you work towards imagining and creating a different future

·        Human touch a hug that reminds you that a physical touch is a wonderful thing, so that you do not forgo thinking about being loved and loving again

·        Outings with friends to make you see that there are people who care about you and are concerned about your well-being

·        Career so that you can fill your days with experiences and memories other than what your marriage is depriving you of

·        Job even if you still need monetary support, it will enable you to feel self-reliant and will give you pride of accomplishment

·        Money to hire a lawyer and begin the process of separating and divorcing, and distancing yourself from your hurtful present

It’s Finally Over (3): BLAME GAME

Spread the blame around. Looking at the people listed below, try to see how you can apportion the blame. It’s not all your fault is certainly true, for no one is individually to blame for any failed relationship. Now is the time to see how much everyone else is to blame, too. Just don’t make this into a bitter mental list to carry around with you. It’s just an exercise to think about where others might have been better for you and to you. It can help you reach out for help; understand how you can have a more successful life and relationship in the future, and to focus on where things went wrong. Remember, though, it is your life and you are responsible for making it better.

• Husband
• Child(ren)
• Parents
• Family
• Spouse’s family
• Current friends
• Former friends
• Old boyfriends
• Spouse’s friends
• Teachers / mentors
• Spiritual leaders
• Therapists
• Lawyers
• Lovers
• God