Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

I know, I know, I was desperate to get divorced. I couldn’t wait to sign the paper that would sever my formal ties from the man who has embittered my life for the past few years. But I sorely regret that I didn’t understand the extent to which the Property Settlement Agreement (PSA in lawyer lingo) would rule my life. It’s not that my lawyer didn’t tell me how important it is, but he didn’t express forcefully and thoroughly enough how it would determine the quality of my life post-divorce. So, I give this to you, my words of warning: DON’T SIGN IT IF YOU ARE NOT ABSOLUTELY COMFORTABLE WITH IT, AND UNLESS IT COVERS EVERY CONTINGENCY THAT YOU, YOUR LAWYER, YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR FAMILY CAN THINK OF!

Maybe because my ex is so stubborn, or maybe because the housing crisis is so deep (and we haven’t been able to sell the house), but the ordinary PSA is just not enough for me. I need a pumped-up version, but all I got was the standard version. And since I just read that in about 50% of divorce cases the former spouses don’t talk after the divorce, it seems that many people should be getting a super-charged PSA.

Granted, one of the problems is that the people who need the extra-strength version are those who probably have the most stubborn ex-spouse-to-be, which makes it difficult to get what you want/need in the agreement—but fight—stand him down—don’t waiver. If you think you need it—don’t give in. Give him the toaster, the couch, the dog, the big-screen TV, but don’t give in on the essentials—the things that will make your life easier to deal with (and possibly bearable).

ONE: DEMAND COMMUNICATION

My ex, I and our two daughters are still living in the marital residence until we sell the house. (See below.) And while we live in the house, the approved format for communication is notes. So, I leave notes for my ex. There they are, on the kitchen table (the approved locale), in plan sight. The notes may be asking for information about summer vacation, asking him to pay his 50% of whatever bill came in that day, notifying him about an event that involves the children; anything that has to do with needing a response from him. The notes either stay there for days or are taken away immediately. But that is it. They are never answered. And so I put out new notes, asking for responses, but they, too, disappear to some unknown location, but they are never to be responded to. NEVER.

And when I tell my lawyer that I need to do something to get him to respond (that he needs to do what he is supposed to do), that it is impossible to live like this, my lawyer always answers: “What does the PSA say?”

And each time he asks me that I want to scream: “WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT IN A CLAUSE THAT SAYS WITHIN 24-HOURS OF RECEIVING A NOTE IT MUST BE ANSWERED.”

His response has been that the ex-spouses usually communicate. Lucky me, it seems that I am so special!

TWO: PLAN FOR CONTINGENCIES

I know that the housing crisis is not my ex’s fault, nor is it my lawyer’s fault, but why weren’t there more “and if it doesn’t sell by” clauses in my PSA? We only have one: if it doesn’t sell within two months the price MAY be reduced a small amount. Well, after seven months on the market he would only agree to lowering the price half the possible reduction, and I couldn’t get him to agree to reduce more.

And now, oh God, it is the end of April and the house has been on the market since JUNE. But it’s worse than that, we have been physically separated (not sleeping together—ugh! at the very idea—and not doing anything as a couple) since April 2005. We signed the PSA in May 2007 and the judge signed the divorce decree in August 2007. So, for over three years my daughters and I have been living a stalemated life. And I am stuck in the same house as this man because of the housing situation/crisis, and the lack of clauses in the PSA dealing with the possibility that the house won’t sell within one month. And I don’t have the money to move and still pay what I need to for the “marital residence” (Thanks for the advice from concerned acquaintances who say “just move.” By the way guys, there is no money tree.)

My lawyer tries to tell me that my ex wouldn’t have agreed to that. But so what—he needed to have informed me that I shouldn’t sign it without that, that I could be living in limbo if those contingencies are missing.

Would I still have signed it without those contingencies knowing how much I needed to be DIVORCED from that man? Maybe. Maybe not. It didn’t seem so earth-shattering in that conference room at his lawyer’s office. I didn’t really think that the house wouldn’t be sold soon. Granted, we were all in suits and we had a mediator (a retired judge—female) going back and forth between us since we were in different rooms (she spent MUCH more time with him) on the two days we spent in 10-hour meetings, so it was a serious occasion, but unknowns were harder to focus on than knowns. We spent hours hammering out a ridiculous custody agreement (the girls will go back and forth between our homes—at some distant time—far too often) and what we need to do if we don’t agree on a realtor, and not enough on IF THE HOUSE DOES NOT GET SOLD! And now I see that that was the most important thing—since it is ruining my life, and my daughters’ lives since we are all living together in what has come to feel like an evil experiment in how stressful divorce can be. (Ever tried to date after revealing that you’re still living at home with your ex? It doesn’t work very well.)

And I was worrying that I am spending so much money in the mediation paying for hours of my lawyer’s time and hours of the mediator’s time. But I am still paying my lawyer since now I need to go to court to somehow force him or the court to change the price of the home. And, it turns out, that evil phrase “if it’s not in the PSA the judges don’t want to deal with it” has come to haunt me.

Lastly for today. As good as your lawyer is, she may forget things. And she will not know as much as you do about your spouse and how he may try to manipulate things. Try to pick her brains about “special clauses” that she has put into other agreements and don’t just go for the boilerplate version.

SO, PLEASE, PATIENCE. Think of the PSA as a person who you will need to live with and not just as a piece of paper. (Although I wish for you that that is all it is.)