Drained
May 05, 2008
The weather this weekend has been glorious, but I spent it being drained, drained of absolutely all energy. The weekends are supposed to be a time for replenishing one's energy, but for me, they leave me emptier than I had been on Friday after a week of teaching. The only advantage is that I don't have to get up at five a.m. The constant battle to try to get children to listen and learn is nothing compared to a life that is a constant battle.
Thermostat on, thermostat off. Thermostat on 63, thermostat on 69. Door open, door closed. Plate in kitchen, plate on dining room table. Slapping fist against fist as he passes me on the stairs. It is all too much. What is this battle about? Trying to get me to leave the house? Trying to diminish my self-esteem? Trying to maintain control over me? -- Trying to maintain my self-esteem? Trying to not let him control me? -- Well, it seems that no matter how much I think I am maintaining my integrity, this is a lose-lose situation. What can I possibly be gaining by keeping my door open in face of his closing it for what seems like time immemorial. What am I winning by turning off the air conditioner for two minutes for him to turn it back on? Time and again. I win nothing as he wins nothing.
What to do? Is court and a judge's decision to significantly reduce the price of the house my only way out? Is patience that the housing market will eventually pick up my only out? Is stopping paying bills a way out? When people say that my life is in my hands and that I am where I am supposed to be, I want to just shove his countenance at them. Have them face his immoveable, narcissistic stubbornness and then have them "get to the place where they want to be." This is not a place where anyone should be. Not me, not my daughters, and, well, maybe my dog, he has pretty good conditions here.
I must not look back, trying to find the error that led to this situation, I must get out of my box and find a solution. Or, at least, a way to live that lets me replenish my battery until that SOLD sign is not just visualized but is, really, on the sign in front of the house.
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