Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

A divorce lawyer with whom I consulted at the very beginning of the divorce process told me that I need to handle my husband until I am ready to file for divorce. I looked at him and said that not only do I no longer have any power over him, but I don't know how to maneuver him (some might refer to this as manipulation). And now, four years later, I have absolutely no leverage--not even to get him to do what I want--but do what he is supposed to do. He has become a wall.

Maybe a bottomless pit is more accurate. I ask for responses, I get none. I ask for bills to be paid, they are not. I ask for information, none is given. I ask for a copy of a document, I get nothing. Who can force him? His sense of responsibility? There is none. The court? He has already lied there to get what he wants. He has already insulted my lawyer in a court of law. He has already gone through three top divorce lawyers and they couldn't get him to do what is standard, what is right. (He now represents himself.) The police? He has already cursed at me in front of them and lied to them, too. (Yes, it's true, he really didn't mean to kick that garbage bag at my head when he was standing three feet away from me.) He is accountable to no one--man, woman, or spiritual being.

I can remember one meeting with the two of us and our lawyers when we were trying to work out the Property Settlement Agreement (PSA) and Custody Agreement; we were talking about how the bills would be split in the house until the PSA was finalized and the house sold. Since he was making about twice what I was making (who knows how much more it is now?) I suggested that the bills be paid proportionally. His lawyer, without consulting with him first, said that that made sense. Instantaneously his lawyer received a nasty look and he said NO, that it would be split 50-50. There was no talking him down on this, and I, in my stupidity, didn't conceive that this would be the opening of his free-loading existence. I guess it doesn't really matter what was written there, since he doesn't pay anything any way, but it shows his absolute disregard for any sense of fairness. (My lawyer also suggested that the 50-50 payment illustrates that the house is, indeed, 50% mine. Mr. Ex had thought that an 80%-20% split would be "right." It's unfathomable the extent to which a man will try to cheat and steal from the woman who had been his wife, with whom he had built a life.)

It's an understatement to say that this situation is frustrating. GET OVER IT! The marriage ended. Yes, I told you that I don't love you any more. Deal with it. Things happen. People change. I'm not asking him to be a mensch, just do the bare minimum that a decent person is expected to do. That should not be so hard!