Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

I am at a loss to express--to understand--all of the ways I am upset about my ex-husband taking my older daughter to NYC for the weekend to celebrate her birthday.

The first thing that stunned me was that my younger daughter was not invited. Granted, this is a birthday trip for my older daughter (the first ever), but since when does A MAN TAKE OFF WITH ONE OF HIS DAUGHTERS--ALONE--FOR THE WEEKEND? I get chills thinking about it. Him--a man I have absolutely no respect for, who repulses me by his actions, inactions, words, deeds, thoughts--is spending time alone with her for an entire weekend. I can't but see the unseemly side of this trip.

Okay, I'm starting to see why I am so upset:

• Not asking my younger daughter to go. He absolutely ignores my younger daughter. So now, not only does he not buy her anything (as he does for daughter 1), not take her out to eat or spend the day together (as he does with daughter 1), but he treats her like Cinderella.
• I had to demand that she go out to dinner with me for Mother's Day, yet she willingly goes off with him for the weekend. I know there are those, especially men (especially fathers) who think that this is a good thing, a sign that they have a strong relationship, but it is unseemly. I may certainly be jealous of their relationship, but that doesn't deny the fact that she would rather spend her time with the man who calls me bitch in front of her than be with me. It bites. It makes me wonder if she really is like him (oh, the horror). It also does not deny the fact that he will be in a hotel room alone with her, which really upsets me.
• He is a bad example in every way possible. I know, I know, I married him. But that was a long time ago and the nasty, narcissistic aspects of his personality were not so visible, not so obvious in his demeanor then. And she, who looks up to him, will see that behavior and attitude as the norm. She will come back pleased with how nasty a person can be to others, how harshly one can criticize strangers, and think that that is a good thing, that is is a sign of intelligence and strength.
• Whenever she spends any length of time with him, she is always especially nasty to me.
• In the past few months he has purchased for her a $1,300 Mac laptop, $150 boots, Chanel #5 perfume, a Coach pocketbook, clothes, a bookcase, a necklace and earrings. It's unsettling; it is as if he is replacing me as his wife with her--he is treating her like a girlfriend, not a daughter. And why, why, the inbalance? Why only interact with one daughter?
• Since we are not married I have no leverage over him, I have no ability to direct (at least partially) his mind, and this is the outcome. A weekend alone. I can't imagine that that would ever have happened in a non-divorce situation, and it pains me. I know, she's a big girl and can take care of herself, but can she, can she really stand up to a man who intimidates his peers?
• I divorced this man because he behaved like a beast toward me. Moreover, he was--is--a non-involved parent to a ridiculous degree. And she willingly gravitates toward him! I have done all I can to influence her, to raise her to respect others, hopefully there is a strong enough base for her to weather the storm of her father's negative influence and only let the postive in (if there is such a thing).

Sunday night seems like such a long time away. Luckily my other daughter has a birthday party with a sleepover tomorrow night, so she won't be confronted with this betrayal. We already had dinner together (bad Chinese take-out); watched some TV together (what is the appeal of High School Musical 2?); and even had a no sex, no drugs, no liquor conversation (just to make sure I am keeping my eye on my duties as a mother). I really can't bring myself to see this as something normal, it is a fright, and a frightening situation.

Breathe in, breathe out, release. Breathe in, breathe out, release. I need to let go. I need to let go and see what happens. I am not in control. I am not in control. It shall be fine. It shall be fine. I guess I can try to convince myself because, really, it is out of my hands. I can only envision more wicked scenarios, but it may be fine and there will be no negative effects. See, it's working already.