Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

The Many Uses of Language

What is so surprising is that this man, who has used words so efficiently in his career as a lawyer, uses such simple constructs to put me down. Am I not even worthy of an elegantly phrased put-down, one with drama and individuality? Apparently not. He reaches for the basic, “You’re fat.” “You’re ugly.” How can I respond to that? Should I say “No, I’m not”? That sounds weak, and besides, doesn’t that acknowledge his point? It’s not a point to discuss, and it seems to garner some validity just by alluding to it. It’s like those balanced discussions where both sides are presented even though one is overwhelmingly true and the other is held by only a handful of contrarians. You give it validity it does not deserve simply by raising it.

Still, hearing those words hurled at you by your husband is powerful; it makes you shrink within yourself, makes you feel that way—even if for a moment. But, no, not for a moment, these statements will reverberate forever, will have a hold on you forever, at moments of doubt or when eating or trying on clothes or putting on make-up. It comes back, You’re fat. You’re ugly. Yes, my size 14 pants are getting tight and I no longer want to look at myself in the mirror. I don’t really look at who I am. I have raised a protective layer, unfortunately it has merely succeeded in keeping past insults in, echoing forever.

Fat and ugly and nothing. It’s come back to this many times. Why does he say this? Why should I dwell on it? Shouldn’t I just discount it as the ravings of a madman, of a man spurned? Why can’t my mind keep off of this, why can’t I replay all of the compliments that I have received from him and others instead, and from my own perception before it was skewed? Why? Why come back to this? It’s certainly not a key to unlocking a happy future. It’s not a trigger used to release me from an unhappy past and present—it’s just a poisonous proclamation that has uncomfortably settled within me.

Does he still say it because he knows its power over me? Does it still make him feel power over me? The only purpose I can think of, now many years after that first insult and only when I have been able to think about this analytically, is that this is his way of lessening my worth in his eyes so the fact that I said I want a divorce will not be so hurtful to him. But what about before, before I said that I want to separate, before I said I want a divorce? Then his comments were aimed at controlling. Now they aim at denigrating, which makes me more certain that he is protecting himself by hurting me. It seems that he is realigning his perceptions of me so that he can hate me and see me as being unworthy of his love. Does this show that he doesn’t know how to love? Or was this his way of holding onto me when he felt me slipping away? So much to ponder, if I choose to.

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