Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Tomorrow would have been my 23rd anniversary. Instead of celebrating those years, I will be in a courthouse meeting with my lawyer who will be going between two tables; one where I will be sitting, because mr ex does not want to sit at the same table as me, and one where mr ex will be sitting. The intent of the bi-table meeting is to try to help me broker a deal that will end, to an even greater extent than the divorce decree itself, this marriage.

Yes, unbelievably, we are still living in the same house. Blame the mortgage crisis. Blame his stubbornness. Blame my persistence. Blame whatever you want, but I need to leave this house or sell this house and I need to leave with some money so that I will be able to purchase a place for me and my daughter(s?) to live. And he seems unwilling to do anything but stall the process or ignore the fact that this is not life and this cannot go on any longer. So more than a month after I presented an offer that he was apparently pleased with, and after two weeks of playing telephone tag with my lawyer, the date of our anniversary turned out to be the best date for all involved.

And you know what, I am pleased of the confluence. I am pleased that everything about the marriage is being tarnished, because at this point I am so tired of having to deal with this and this man that I don’t want to remember any happiness. I don’t want to focus on the good times. I want that to be blurred by the reality of what became of that beginning. I don’t want to remember standing in a botanical garden in Tel Aviv smiling in the 100 degree heat in my wedding dress taking pictures, I want to remember that he does not want to sit at the same table with me. Because this bitterness, this bile, brings me to a new level of separation.

Many people talk of forgiveness, and how important that is to move on. I don’t know if this is forgiveness I am feeling, maybe it is pity and maybe they are entwined. Yes, I have come to feel pity for slime man. All endearing qualities have lost their luster, and all questionable qualities have become pitiful.

And he will try to bargain hard tomorrow. He will insult me to my lawyer. Heck, he will insult my lawyer. I honestly don’t know what will be tomorrow, what his counter-offer will be and where the discussion, if any, will lead. All I care about is that it is one more step in stepping away, in never having to clench my heart in anguish over his words. I hope with all there is in me that still believes that something good can happen to me, that there will be a settlement tomorrow.