Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

I think that it’s time for evolution to turn the dial on women’s brains. It’s time for us to stop being programmed for the “strong silent type” and to be programmed instead for the “empathetic conversationalist type.” Out on the savannahs of way back when it might have been important to be with a man who could hunt (bring home the uncooked bacon), but now, now those strong silent types are unsuitable for modern life, or at least for modern life with women who have left the savannah and are edging their ways through those cracks in the ceiling.

Tall, dark and handsome. Marlboro Man. Man’s man.

Why are these images of man perceived as the ideal man? The masculine powerhouse is supposed to be the gold standard, and not, unfortunately, the man who might lag behind and chat with a woman who is carrying all of the supplies, and offer to help her. We get the Marlboro Man on the range with his horsey and cigarette. We don't have an accountant steadfastly going through the commitments of his life.

And I bought into that. mr. ex was a 6’ Israeli plane-jumping, war-fighting, opinion-giving officer who fit my image of tall, dark and impressively-built, certainly the opposite of the pre-dentistry student and lawyers-to-be I had dated. And now, now I find myself needing to tell myself not to overlook the quietness and calmness in some men. It certainly is time to respect and value a word of kindness far more than an image of taking the world by storm. Yes, there is a need to change my perception of what is valued in a man.

I remember a friend calling a friend’s husband “evolved.” This entailed his preferring to be at home with his wife and family rather than out on the range playing games with the boys; and it entailed his delving into domesticity without the threat of a divorce hanging over him. It also entailed asking about his wife’s feelings and revealing his own. I sat there in awe of this man, this woman, and their relationship. But I also still felt that my hubby, the aggressive, workaholic, ladder-climbing lawyer, was quite the guy, even if there were no hints of evolution about him. Now, now I want the evolved man, but the question to be asked is: Am I ready to be with an evolved man? Or, have I evolved enough to value him?

While I have surely been bitten by the venom of a narcissistic man’s man, is there still a part of me that sees that as the ideal?

This year I will be co-teaching three of my classes with a special ed teacher: a man. (Don’t get any ideas, he’s married to a teacher who teaches across the hall.). In the two weeks that I have worked with him I have found him to be thoughtful, intelligent, patient, and empathetic. His four-year-old son has been sick this week, and this man was haggard. He had not slept, since his wife is five months pregnant, he was up with their son. He was consumed with concern for his son; he was keeping track of his temperature as some fathers would their son’s ball-playing ability. He was pre-occupied. I could not remember a time that mr. ex had been pre-occupied with anything but himself. And what I saw in this evolved man was goodness, a goodness with which I enjoy sharing half of the day.

There is hope for me, I feel it. I hope that I will recognize that the qualities of which I am most proud in myself and my friends, will be those I honor in a man. Those would be: compassion, intelligence and humor. Traits that might not have helped a man on the range, but certainly traits that will help a man be in sync with a woman on her evolutionary ladder. 

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