Home Alone, Again
October 13, 2008
mr ex has taken the girls to see a movie, and I am home alone again. While I should be doing things (such as grading one last class set of autobiographies about the exciting lives of 9th graders and moving laundry from place to place), I am compelled to do nothing when the emptiness descends, or nothing that is visibly useful, or nothing that benefits anyone but myself. Yes, that’s it. When I am alone I feel compelled to be about me.
I don’t go to therapy. I don’t meditate. I don’t pray (at least not in the way that I think you’re “supposed to”). I don’t do yoga. I don’t find my center in a proscribed way. But as with everything else, I have managed to find my way. What I do is mentally wander. While doing that I might do the dishes. I might even dry the dishes and put them away, or just skip the drying step and put them away wet (it’s not that I have unlimited free time, any way, the dishes can dry themselves). At times I have even found myself sitting opposite my computer and reading and writing. But doing what I am supposed to be doing, perish the thought—that would be a waste of centering time.
Who can be centered when there are daughters around who always want me to do something for them, or want me to cease what I am doing, or want me to move from where I am? Who can be centered when there’s the presence of an ex-husband in the house? Who can be centered when time is not mine? So when no one’s around I soak up the sun, figuratively. I guess I could go outside and take a walk when it’s too draining inside, which I do sometimes, but often that feels like I am wasting time and not using time. And I want to be a user. I want to feel the deliciousness of each minute that is freely mine. Savor each minute as I would a touch on the small of my back. Savor each minute as I would a compliment that reaches into me and touches the internal small of my back. The deliciousness of being alone, when I know that I will be able to become centered, is beyond the sensation of the richest chocolate frosting licked from…
Did I say that my mind wanders at times?
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Glad to know I'm not the only one who sees doing what I'm supposed to do a waist of "me" time.
Posted by: Mia | October 14, 2008 at 04:47 AM
Mia, the only time it's not a waste is when I am getting my mental juices ready to use that me time to good purpose (meaning: anything for me, inside and out).
Posted by: Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman | October 14, 2008 at 03:55 PM
LOL - yep, I can relate! I have so little precious time home without the girls, and all these ideas swirl around my head with what I could possibly do - and I usually end up doing almost nothing. I think sometimes we just need our down time.
Posted by: April | October 19, 2008 at 08:36 AM
April, if only we could turn our minds inside out, we would see how much activity goes into down time. Then we would stop thinking of it as time when nothing is done. Thinking is internal tinkering.
Posted by: Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman | October 19, 2008 at 07:16 PM