Some Bat Mitzvah Preparations
October 30, 2008
Last week, my daughter and I met with the cantor of our synagogue to rehearse her Bat Mitzvah, which will be on Saturday. We were going over the logistics of the event when we hit a bump. A traditional part of the service (at least as practiced at my synagogue) is to physically pass the torah from generation to generation as a sign of the transmission of the learnings of the torah from generation to generation.
Generally, the grandparents, parents and then the child stand in an arc and the rabbi holds the torah and walks by them as each person reaches out and touches the torah—as a sign of participating in the passage. The cantor asked me if I would be okay to stand next to mr ex. I said No. I did not look at my daughter to see her reaction, this event is also for me, and I do not want to stand next to him. The cantor then asked if my parents would be okay standing next to him. Her tone indicated that she figured that it would be okay, to which I emphatically said NO. Last time they were at my house mr ex yelled at my father and told him that he would call the police because my father is trespassing. No, no I do not want my parents to stand next to him at this solemn occasion—or any occasion. This time I looked at my daughter, her eyes were teary, but who knows, it could be from the allergy that she seems to have to something in the air at temple since the renovations there were finished.
And so the cantor suggested that she will talk to the rabbi and perhaps mr ex will stand on the other side of my daughter, the side reserved for the non-Jewish parent. Yes, put him over there: make him as an outcast, which is what he has made himself by his behavior.
* * *
My mother reminded me that my ex-sisters-in-law and their families might be there and that I need to be nice to them, for my daughter. And I told her again that I hope no one comes near me because I do not want to be nice to them. Although I know that I need to be nice to them, I do not want to because it will feel more like betraying myself than being a good mommy for my daughter.
* * *
Have I commented that mr ex makes twice as much as me but pays nothing for the girls? I know, I know. My court date is November 6th. So much excitement in my life.
Anyway, he told my daughter that he would pay 50% of the costs of the Bat Mitzvah. I presented him (well, I presented the kitchen table) with an accounting and then provided the info for hiring a DJ. What I have paid so far is twice as much as the DJ, and this does not include the food I still need to buy as well as all of the paper products and decorations. He has not mentioned (or given notification to me through her) about paying 50% again.
There is a place in hell for people like him, but I wish it were here, on earth. Only problem, he has no conscience so nothing touches him.
I'm sorry you have to see your ex-inlaws and ex at the Bat Mitzvah. I feel physically ill whenever I am stuck near biomom because of some event for stepson.
About the expenses - is it possible to pay only part of them and allow him to pay or not pay the rest after he has agreed in front of the girl(s)? When stepson became old enough to understand what was happening we would get biomom to agree, in front of him to pay for an item like shoes or jacket while we agreed to some other item. Then we would take him and get whatever he needed that we agreed to furnish. And if she didn't buy the shoes or jacket or whatever for him it was entirely on her. We never let him freeze; but a day or two at school in a barely fitting jacket usually caused him to call and complain to her enough for her to produce the new jacket.
Posted by: Christine | October 30, 2008 at 10:16 AM
This is a horrible situation for you. I just hope you get your money out of him. I'll never understand fathers who take out their animosity for their ex on the children.
Last year, my niece got married. My sister raised her on her own with negligible support from the ex. At the wedding (paid for by sister and niece) he came with his own family. They sat in the front row (forcing my sister and mother to sit behind them). At the reception, they tried to sit at one of the reserved tables and my sister let him have it. (It was for us - the people who had raised my niece.)
Sorry to vent, but I've seen this over and over and I just don't get it. Nov. 6th can't come soon enough.
Posted by: JC | October 30, 2008 at 11:55 AM
It must be so hard for you to even focus on the wonderful event ahead of you with your daughter, but you must try. How is he even allowed to attend if he has not paid for any of it? Mine did not....he didn't foot the bill so he didn't come.
They say being happy and living well is the best revenge. No matter how you feel inside, put a big smile on your face...look your best, and show him no mercy with your light shining all over this bat mitvah.
Mazal Tov
Posted by: Gwen | October 30, 2008 at 06:22 PM
Christine: the only bright side on the in-laws front is that his parents won't be there. Regarding money, that sounds like a good idea, but nothing seems to work with him. I mean if he can go a year without buying food for his daughters except on an occasional basis, do you think he's going to step up and pay for a party? It's about punishing me, and, I think, me having to pay him back for when I was a SAHM (you know, my leech phase when I partied on his hard-earned money that he earned as a lawyer; did I mention I put him through law school? slime).
JC: another slime who needs to revert to the swamp. What happens to these men? Where is their understanding of right and wrong? Good and bad?
Gwen: I cannot even go into how upset I am allowing my ex-brother-in-law to speak when he was the one who wouldn't help me. I will really try to focus on my daughter and my friends and relatives who will be there. My parents are already on their way.
Posted by: Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman | October 31, 2008 at 07:54 AM