A Minute to Myself (104)
A Minute to Myself (105)

Get Your Words Off Me: Excerpt 26

I've taken a break lately in posting excerpts from my book, Get Your Words Off Me, but I thought that it was time for a new one, and specifically this one, which explains how he got the master suite and I got the guest bedroom. 

* * *


Why have sex with a man you detest and who makes you hate yourself?

When we were working on our marriage by going to therapy, I felt that it would be an affront to the effort to turn him away when he wanted to have sex. I was, still, unfortunately, seeing submission as a positive attribute instead of what it was: an absolute relinquishment of the self. By cooperating I thought I was behaving fairly, which is ironic considering that his actions were fundamentally unfair and caused me to feel—to be—violated and used.

One night, a few weeks after we had begun our reconciliation process, he got into bed and reached out, touching me, when I was already asleep. That night I finally reacted instinctually—protecting myself, not my relationship. Out of the depths of my sleeping self, I shouted “NO!” He immediately withdrew his hand. I woke, stunned, feeling the “NO!” as it exited my mouth from my unconscious and hung between us.

Then, shockingly, he said sharply, “Get out.” The absurdity of his telling me to get out of our bed when he was the one attacking me, when he was the one who had repeatedly asked me to come back to bed, was enormous. But I realized, as I lay there in the dark with the “NO” still echoing between us, that I had no desire to fight to stay in that bed with him, it was the opposite of what I wanted. I was not going to explain or apologize, or soothe. What a relief to have finally spoken what I felt. So, I stood up, walked out of the room and returned to “my” couch (where I had been sleeping before the attempt at reconciliation).

I have not returned to that bed since; except for one night when he was out of town on a business trip a short time after I had left that room, when I still felt that it was, to some extent, still my room. It is now his bed and his room, I have ceded the space. I should have said, “No, you get out, you are the violator.” But, as with so much else in this marriage, I took what I was dealt and tried my best to survive. And so, in the middle of the night, in my oversized tee-shirt and cotton shorts, I walked out, leaving him naked, alone with whatever demons or remorse may eventually plague him. 




I bet he never considered that waking you for sex was him overstepping his boundaries and invading your space; a selfish act. My sleep is precious to me and I don't want to be woken up (even for sex. No thank you).


He kicked me out of the home in anger. He was the house husband and had the kids.
I went and never turned back.
He got most of the goods and still had me sign a paper in which I had to say I got most of the posessions.
He wanted all his family jewelery back. He could have it.
It was all about him, never about anybody else.
I needed to free myself from his weird world in which I lost my direction, my desries, notion of what I wanted life to be.

It was hard to leave him with the kids, there was no other way. I finally got out and it is the best thing ever.
He still has influence via the kids but I am learning to see another explanation of what he does and how things can be and that suits me much better and I can live with myself much better.
The girls are confused, don't know the whole story and will see one day for themselves, I am holding the space for that and in the meantime I am moving on leaving guilt and the what ifs behind and feeling so much happier.

Laura, my love to you.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Do you think a rapist is aware that he is raping a woman or getting what he deserves? Do you think for one moment he thought about what I would want?

Midlife Slices

Men like that (and I should know) only think about what they want and how they feel and you assaulted his manhood by saying "NO" so you had to go. You are better off and I'll be so glad when you get that damn house sold and get away from that monster.

Have you buried a St. Joseph in your back yard yet? It's supposed to help a house sell faster. So they say.....

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

MS, his name has that name in it, so maybe it will be especially powerful. Where do I buy a saint?

We just changed realtors and reduced the price, slightly. But it finally seems that he wants to sell. I think I am annoying him--or maybe the daily remembrance of my saying NO to him is finally sinking in.


I look forward to you getting the house sold and being able to be free. What a horrible thing he did. I am glad that his true colors came out so that you knew that it had to be over. Still, this is hard. Having sex with someone, even if he is your husband, is not suppose to be like this. I remember all too well the night I lost sleeping in my bed and what began my many months of sleeping on a futon in the living room, while he continued to sleep in our bed and had the bedroom. I did things "his way" because I thought in the end I would come out better and more importantly for the sake of the children. I didn't. I lost everything but in the end gained myself.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Wilma, I wonder what it feels like to leave guilt and what-ifs? I know I keep coming back to this, but who are these men and why do they think that the world should revolve around them? And why, why must they use their kids as weapons? While years have been wasted (or spent in a way other than how I would have liked) and I have the satisfaction of not having let him defeat me, I really don't know what that has given me. My big what if: what if I left the house when I left the bed.

Lori, more sorrow, why why must so many of us suffer because we chose the wrong man to love? Is it a power struggle? Do some men not take kindly to any dissent? Do some men have a winner take all attitude even in divorce and custody? It's hard to win a game or even call a draw when you're playing opposite the person who created the game and the rules.

Let's all visualize a SOLD sign in front of my house.

andrea frazer

Wow, you write very powerfully - very raw. It gets people thinking - that's for sure. I also like your one minute posts. In closing, for now, it seems that you are closer to peace. It's such a gift you have to share your experiences with us. Thanks.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Andrea, welcome and thanks for the compliment.


oh my god, this post and all of the comments are about my life right now! my life these past four years. the hell the horror the confusion. but i am glad i found this. so many people don't seem to understand and all they can do is say I DESERVE the way he treats me.

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