Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

We must sell this house. This is not a question of making money or losing money, this is an issue of not damaging our daughters even more. This is about not making me open game for his vile mouth any more just because he refuses to move, or to reduce the price of the house so that we can sell it.

I am being held prisoner in my own home.

Not only is this mental cruelty, but financially I am going further and further into debt every month. We purchased the home we are living in five years ago when mr ex’s annual salary was four times what mine is today. I am now expected to pay 50% of the expenses on this home on my teacher’s salary. I cannot afford to live in this house.

Not only that, but he does not abide by our PSA where it says he is supposed to pay 50% of the household expenses, and 50% of our daughter’s expenses. He has not purchased toilet paper for them in a year. He rarely buys food for them. He never pays me for the food I buy for them. He does not pay the bills. And if he does pay, it is always after late notices or disconnect notices arrive. For a year now he has not paid his share of his daughter’s expenses.

The only thing that he has done “for” his daughters is to try to make them hate me. He has repeatedly put me down in front of them or told them lies about me. He has called me a whore to them. He has called me a thief to them. He has called me a leech to them. He has told them I hate them. He has told them I don’t love them.

* * *

My bedless sleeping goes beyond that final separation in March 2005. In October of 2004 I first filed for divorce. At that time I had already been on the couch for a while. We decided to try to work on our marriage, but that did not last long since we permanently separated about five months later.

At around the same time that I told mr ex that the reconciliation is not working, and that I want to divorce (in March 2005), he lost his job. He asked me to wait until he finds a job before beginning the divorce process. I agreed. Who would have thought that it would take him a year and a half to find a job? And this a man whose job entailed networking. In that time we went through all of our savings.

When he did find a job in August/September 2006, he asked me to wait until he takes his license exams. He said that he couldn’t concentrate on both at the same time. Once again I agreed to wait.

Then in 2007 we finally divorced, at a time that was convenient for him. That was more than two years after we had separated. I had waited two years.

That was two years during which two girls saw their parents unable to communicate, and the already-bad situation between them disintegrate even more.

And now I am still waiting for the house to sell in order to move because I cannot afford to move otherwise. In that time the housing market has gotten worse, but not so bad that even if we severely cut the price of the home we wouldn’t still make a profit.

So I waited for two years for him to be settled into his new job. And now I have been asking him for many, many months to agree to reduce the price of the home so that it could hopefully be sold. And I am still waiting. And it is getting harder and harder. This is too unfair. This “life” is too steep a price for me to have paid, and for my daughters to have paid.

We separated in March 2005.
The house was put up for sale in June 2007.
It is now November 2008.

That is a long time. That is an eternity when you don’t know if you will be cursed out when you get home or when you get up in the morning. That is an eternity when you don’t know how you will afford to buy food for your daughters. That is an eternity when you keep getting “Cut Off” notices from the electric company. That is an eternity when you hear your daughters being told that you don’t love them. That is an eternity to regret marrying the wrong person. That is an eternity to cry yourself to a fitful sleep.

And if you think that we should have reached a livable impasse, you would be right, but that is not the situation.

On Saturday our younger daughter had her Bat Mitzvah. This is what he said to me on Sunday morning when I told him that I did not agree with him, that I do not agree with him taking her money and investing it. These comments were made in the presence of both of our daughters. They were made after I had already closed and locked my door, but he was in the hallway that linked all of our bedrooms, and they were in their rooms.

“I have a girlfriend.”
“Go fuck yourself.”
“This idiot.”
“Go away.”
“Liar.”
“Fucking asshole.
“You idiot. I'll cross examine you. You shit.”
“I never saw any money for college, you thief.” (This is in reference to money that my parents have saved for both of them.)

This is how he talks if he does not like what I say, or if I don’t want to do what he wants me to do. As I said, I divorced him because of this kind of behavior. Since we have not sold the house because of its high price—especially in this tough market—I am being continually harassed and abused. Not only that, but it generally happens in the presence of my daughters. Not only does this undermine my authority with them, but it demeans me, it makes them question me. Hopefully, too, it makes them question their father.

What kind of education in marital relations is this if this is all they see—have seen for years. This is cruel to them.

I separated and divorced so that they would not see their father continually abuse their mother. Unfortunately it did not work out that way.

No. They don’t see two people working on their marriage, or working on re-establishing their lives after a failed marriage.

No, they see one person continually harassing the other; they see one parent bullying the other parent. They see their father abuse their mother.

Later on Sunday, when the girls were not home, this is a portion of what he said to me:
“Fat”
“Dumbo the elephant”
“Loser”
He also accused me of attempting to kill him.
He said that one daughter called me evil and that the other daughter says horrible things about me.

I am divorced from this man, for good reason; I should not have to be in his presence. My daughters should not be exposed to his vile mistreatment of me.

* * *

This has been going on for years. It is enough.

He tells me that he will call the police if I touch the thermostat.

He told my father that he will call the police and have him arrested for trespassing when my parents came to visit me.

He has wished that my mother get cancer.

He accused me of attempting to murder him.

He has poisoned my daughters against me.

I have done everything that I can do. I have done everything that I am supposed to do. I have abided by all the laws and agreements. I cannot continue to be punished for that. I beseech you to please help rectify this situation.

(Maybe the judge on high will hear this and send down a miracle.)