Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Perhaps the most serious flaw or failure to appear in my closet is pants. This may be news to the clothing companies, but women have thighs and for some horribly upsetting reason, they get bigger as we get older. As the breadth of our experience widens, so do our thighs. It is truly a horrible part of life. I suggest the companies that make pants take note of this, and not just those who specialize in “designing” elastic-waisted pants.

I refuse to buy elastic-waisted pants. It is yet another peculiarity of mine; I fear that wearing elastic-waisted pants will make me feel my age or older, and my weight or more, and I am not ready for that. No, I still need a button and a zipper. But for goodness sakes, can’t they just use a little more fabric when they say “comfortable fit” so that more than my ankles are comfortable. It’s a horrible feeling to not be able to pull up a pair of pants that are ostensibly your size over your thighs. We hourglass and pear ladies do not want stretch fabrics, we just want fabric. Maybe the fabric that is saved from the pants of size 0 girls can be used instead on the 12+ women.

I’ve been butt-looking lately, and I have noticed that there really are many women with “junk in the trunk,” as they say. So why do I leave store after store with nary a pant in a bag? There are clothing stores where I can find tops that fit me, but not bottoms. What’s the deal? Hello, we are not all Heidi Klum. Maybe we don’t make the duds look as beautiful as she does, but I’m pretty sure there are more women with butt and thigh issues than who look like Mrs. Klum. And besides, I thought people liked a challenge (design that is), it is supposed to make them better, stronger, wiser, and reveal that they have talent.

I have one pair of black Lee jeans that make me smile every time I put them on because they fit. They do not make me feel that I am about to split the seams or break the zipper or pop a button. But, alas, I only have one pair, and on the days when I must give them a rest, I suffer. Things with other pants are always going somewhere, generally up the crotch because they don’t fit well. Or, they are clinging to my thighs so tightly, that when I stand up, they don't resume the position, they stay clinging to me as if I was still sitting. It’s really not a fun way to spend one’s day: with pants going up up up all the time, or stay stay staying where they should not be. Oh, it's a terrible thing, to have to constantly try to conceal pants tugging.

I think that the solution is for the pajama companies to start designing pants. Wouldn’t that be wonderful, clothes that are as comfy as flannel pajamas? Now we just need to work with them on the patterns, I don’t know about you, but I do not want to wear snowflake-patterned pastel pants to work.