Why do I do this to myself?
December 24, 2008
I was rejected twice in two days by men after they saw my photo. It wouldn't be so bad if one of them didn't have as his first line in his ad: “Brains before beauty.” Ugh. And it’s not as if they are Johnny Depp in the flesh. (This reference is in deference to my younger daughter’s obsession with Mr. Depp.) I mean neither of them made me drop my mouse in excitement. What is it that was wrong for them?
May I be so indelicate as to assume I know and say: fuck all of those men who want a SLENDER, PETITE, SKINNY woman. Why, why do you want a SLENDER, PETITE, SKINNY woman? Are you unable to think and see for yourself? Are you completely swayed by society's sick norms? Do you really think skinny is better than evidence of life?
Or is that code for YOUNGER? Because I don’t know about you, but most of the women my age—their age—are no longer slender, petite, skinny. Not that I ever was, because I never was. Think more Marilyn Monroe (I can’t believe I just compared myself to her, but heck, I can do what I want when I rail against bone lovers) rather than Gwyneth Paltrow. And F the men my age who want a younger woman to refresh their hearts and make themselves feel as if the aging process has been stopped. It hasn’t. And F all the diet mongerers, I can’t bear another conversation about what to eat and what not to eat, with more emphasis on what not to eat. And F all of the men who say that they work out six days a week--because he doesn't have the kids to take care of--and because he really does think that he and his body are a temple.
And F all the delicate designers who find the willowy frame of a 6’ woman who weighs 100 pounds to be perfect. And F the creative directors who air brush extra pounds off of the bodies of women with mini-curves. And F all of us who think that to be thin is to be good, and to be “with a few extra pounds” indicates that we are bad people—we are weak, unable to resist temptation. (Please, bring the temptation on.) Now I know why we marry when we’re young, before the Phase II body has set in, because if those were the Phase I bodies, there wouldn’t be enough children born out of those relationships to sustain society.
And I will not diet for an as yet unmet man. I need to exercise for myself. But you know what (whine coming), it’s hard to put the brownie down when there is nothing happy in your life. When the freezer breaks and you need to buy a new refrigerator from monopoly money, and the circuit breaker breaks so that there is no hot water for a week, and you have no parties to go to, and you’re bored with your life and dissatisfied with your unmet desires, and you’re tired of it all being so hard and futile, it’s damn hard to punish yourself even more. And yes, I know that I am the only one paying for that brownie down the hatch, but there needs to be some infinitesimal feeling of pleasure in the present.
And why the hell did the pseudo-separated man tell me that “I am perfect”? Because I now believe that I will meet another man who rocks my boat and who thinks I am perfect, in my Phase II body and with my Phase II personality.
Ugh. What a year. Here’s to 2009. I have no idea what I want from it or myself, but I would like a break in the unpleasantness rolling my way ever so consistently. And I would like to move out of this five-bedroom, 3.5 bath unhappiness-perpetuating compound. And I would like someone to seep into my heart with joy and unfettered appreciation.
"Why do I do this to myself?"
because if you can just find that one "right: person then it makes everything worth it. Kudos for trying, because I'm not even trying right now.
don't give up!
Posted by: Constance | December 24, 2008 at 07:27 AM
Playing devil's advocate here. But, after all you have been through, are you sure you want a man in your life right now? Maybe if you persue intersts that are totally for you and your own interests, and immerse yourself in activities that bring you joy and excitment, your life will attract the people you need in it.
Those guys sound like total losers.
Posted by: phhhst | December 24, 2008 at 09:40 AM
I agree with Constance. Don't give up, and as many men out there that suck, there are good ones too. I dated a guy who said he would break up with me if I ever weighed more than 132. (I weighed 125 at the time.) So even when I was skinny, I put up with complete, abusive crap.
I may have gone up 4-5 dress sizes since then, but now I have boobies and a man who isn't a douchebag. If your size matters more to a man, than it does to you, then wait it out. Don't fret so much, weight is a sliding scale. When I was in college I felt like a size 6 cow because every female around me survived on a few cheese cubes and vodka with diet red bull.
You've actually reminded me a blog post I wanted to do. You see these stories about a person being very over weight and having a good friend who the fat person just adores, but they don't fall in love until the person loses all the weight. It pisses me off, annnyway, eat the brownie if it really makes you feel better. It's not crack.
Posted by: Liz A. | December 24, 2008 at 10:08 AM
I hope 2009 is better for you. You've had your share of hard, now it's time for something different. I've heard it said that men are visual (why looks are so important to them and why women go for brains and personality). It sucks and they suck for being so easily led. This is why you'll meet someone sometime who gets to know you and appreciate you as the fully-formed person you are and not a photograph. (I'd rather be fully formed than underdeveloped.)
Posted by: jC | December 24, 2008 at 10:24 AM
Have you considered an older man? I find it maddening when people only want suitors their own age and rail against men who want younger women. That's age discrimination in the same way when someone isn't open to an older man. They are stable and they have so much to offer and YOU will be that "younger woman" in their life. Try it. You might like it.
Happy Holidays......or at least as happy as possible. :)
Posted by: Midlife Slices | December 24, 2008 at 10:28 AM
I have to agree with phhhst. You are a smart, vibrant woman and you need to concentrate on YOU. Forget the men and just do what makes you happy and that you enjoy. Your joy and self-fulfillment will attract others to you and maybe, just maybe, one of them will be Mr. Right. Merry Christmas and here's to a New Year filled with Joy and Peace.
Posted by: Stepping Thru | December 24, 2008 at 10:52 AM
Constance, maybe not give up, but rather not take the search so seriously, and not let myself be hurt by people who have no idea who I am.
phhhst, can I say that being a devil's advocate is good? It could be that it's the age, but so many of the women around me are married and have their kids and their husbands, and so the "easiest" place to find someone to do things with seems to be in a lover/partner. But now that I am coming to terms with single as the reality and not the pitstop, I am looking to do more things on my own--and find friends with whom I can do things (oh what we do not to end a sentence with a conjunction).
Liz, our bodies our selves, indeed. I need not let others infringe on my terms of body acceptance. And I told my daughter she can have any of the cookies we've received--but don't touch the brownies.
JC, a toast to 2009! Image: it's all in the perception. Another man saw my picture and thought I was beautiful. Can I be blunt and say that I seem to appeal more to men from other countries than homegrown boys. I have no idea why. But that does seem to be a pattern.
MS, I have thought about older men, and as long as he still has plans and hopes and dreams for the future and has not transitioned his mind to the golf course, I could be the woman for him.
ST, thanks for the insights. As a reformed introvert, I have found that I need more people around me, and that, too, is part of the search that I am experiencing.
Merry Christmas to you all! May the gift that is you be appreciated by all who know you.
Peace and Love,
Laura.
Posted by: Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman | December 24, 2008 at 12:08 PM
I can't remember how I got here, but boy! Am I glad I did :) What a fantastically fresh and honest rant - and one I've held in my own head - and with my own midlife girlfriends - maaaaaaaaany a time! LOL
I'm almost 52 and have been in menopause for about 3 years now. Learning to love my Phase II body has been one of THE most challenging lessons of my life. However, the more I love myself for who I am...the more I concentrate on a beautiful spirit that is unweighted by unforgiveness, cynism, and all that crap....the more appealing I seem to become to men. It's weird, really, because I had definitely reached the Fuck You stage....for all the reasons that you've so wonderfully expressed.
So I just said "Forget it!" and concentrated on doing whatever I could to be happy and healthy. And now..I am :)
Thank you so much for your post! Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Grace | December 24, 2008 at 12:51 PM
Welcome Grace. I'm glad you found me. Thanks for giving me a new way to look at the F-word.
Enjoy the holidays and Merry Christmas to you.
Posted by: Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman | December 25, 2008 at 06:19 AM
I agree with phhhst. I know its a challenging and probably lonely time for you sometimes. You're not having an easy time with life right now, and you deserve better, and I thoroughly understand your yearning for a supportive, loving partner, but I'm not sure that you are going to attract that while you are still enmeshed in your current situation anyway.
Since losing the person I dreamt of spending the rest of my life with, I've been unable to look at what my future holds. I just can't. However what I have been able to do, is to look at every single moment. Sometimes that is the only thing I can look at. What this living, discovering, and being conscious of the now has given me though, is enormous. Doing this has allowed me to understand what to me is truly important, and I've discovered very simple things give me joy, and warmth, belonging and purpose.
I have also filled my life up, unintentionally really as much as possible. I've had to work two jobs, 7 days a week for a large part of this year, because of debt. I'm lucky enough to have supportive employers, who have almost become extended family. I've started blogging, which has become a vital and fulfilling part of my journey and I will complete a course next year, that I should have completed quite a while ago.
Through all of this I've come across some amazing people, you, Laura are one of them. You just need to believe it. You have a gift to give with your writiing, that I'm sure will give you much more value than the frustration involved in finding a man in your current circumstances.
As for body size and what men want. I'm one of those slim, willowy 5'10 women. I'm heavier now at 3 sleeps from being 53 than I've ever been, weighing approx. 137 pound. Alex always thought I was too thin and was looking forward to that phase II body, which maybe I've reached? My flubber round my middle suggests I have. Yes skinny people have it too.
Would I have a romantic sexual relationship with someone large? Alex wasn't a small man. He was always trying to firm up, or loose a few kilos, but to me he was perfect, and if he'd have gained a few more kilos I still would have loved him.
When it comes to dating sites and pictures, Alex and I met via a dating site. We are all led initially by what appeals to the eye. Both men and women alike. However, unless its changed in the last few years, there are more single, middle aged and older women than men out there, giving men a greater choice and perhaps with the abundance of visual stimuli on dating sites, their egos kick in and they are more attracted to what they can score rather than finding a loving partner.
Give yourself some time out, to get through this part of your life. Clear all the old cob webs, find and enjoy peace with your own company, the rest will come.
Posted by: Brigit | December 25, 2008 at 08:49 PM