A Minute to Myself (132)
A Minute to Myself (133)

Always on Sunday. There’s Always Something on Sundays.

He’s yelling at my younger daughter now, and I am in my room hearing his muffled raised voice. If I were a very good mother, I would go down there and tell him to stop yelling at her. But I don’t.

And earlier, when he slammed my older daughter’s door in my face (yes, she was in the room at the time) and he bullied his way into taking her to her college interview which she told me she wanted me to take her to (and she specifically told me that she didn’t want him to take her), I did not protest too loudly. I asked her if she wants me to take her as she sat there telling me not to yell when obviously I was her easy target and not her father, who towered over the two of us, who declared “I’ll take her.” And since I had to pick up my other daughter from where I had taken her earlier, and since I took my older daughter to and from her activities on Friday and Saturday, and he does nothing, I just didn’t want to fight over driving her.

It was claustrophobic in there with him so close to me and so menacing. But her, she was so small on her bed, trying to not enrage him and trying, maybe, not to send me off. I didn’t want to have him yell in my face and I didn’t want to see his red face and spittle flying. I just couldn’t be in the room another second with him. So I left, and I didn’t take her.

I’m sitting here thinking that I should apologize to her for not taking her, but that would be presenting to her on a platter how her mother is still letting herself be a victim. Who am I to expect her to stand up to him when I don’t? Yes, I told him to grow-up and stop, although I did accuse him of stealing toilet paper (where else are all the rolls going?).

Maybe I am not doing the right karma thing or repelling his negativity or channeling peacefulness, or maybe I am holding onto this pain for some unknown psychotic reason, or maybe I need to forgive him or understand that he was what I deserved or whatever other insight there is to explain why I am still stuck here (that does not take into consideration economics and the housing market and the physical state of this home), or maybe, just maybe shit happens and we try to deal with it as well as we can. And we fall short of our own expectations, and certainly our children’s.

I just want to go to sleep and let another Sunday end. I have two books that I started reading today, one promises to be a very insightful but deeply depressing book about a woman in Pakistan and the other a sort of romantic comedy where everyone is beautiful and witty and the challenges are the kind that Meg Ryan could solve. I think I’ll read that one.

But first, maybe I’ll talk to my daughter.




Never, ever think that he (they) are what you (we) deserved - both for your sake and for the sake of your daughters.

Midlife Slices

No one deserves any kind of abuse. Period.

Talk to your daughter and explain what you just explained to us. She "gets" it, I'm sure. It's so sad that these men in our lives are so morally bankrupt that they inflict this abuse on their children without thought to the damages they are causing these young and souls. Grrrrr..........


There can be no positive energy in your life until you find the courage to move away from the negative forces that are slowly destroying your life. Only you can decide when enough is enough and only you can choose to stop being a victim.
There are some very wise words left to us by some great people:

If you really want to do something, you'll find a way. If you don't,you'll find an excuse. - Jim Rohn

We are still masters of our fate. We are still captains of our souls. - Winston Churchill

There is only one success - to be able to live your life in your
own way and not to give others absurd, maddening claims
upon it. - Christopher Morley

Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- Roosevelt, Eleanor

There is a part of you that wishes to be free, but then there is the part of you who fears the change and so you stay with what you know and understand, even though it is making you sick.

You have allowed yourself to be subjected to too many years of belittlement and abuse. To be truly free, you must find the courage to believe in YOURSELF once again. You have begun the journey which is evident in the steps you have already taken, but now comes that leap of faith...

I will send positive thoughts your way, like warm hugs to buffer your soul. I will pray for you to find your answers and the courage to act on them.

Peace, rocky


Nope. It's not what you deserve even for ONE MOMENT!


I have been rereading this quote lately:

I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Basically, be patient with yourself, and hopefully other people will be patient with you, like your daughter.

I hope the conversation goes well.


Intuitively, don't we usually know the answer or the right thing to do? You ended your post with plans to talk to your daughter; that's the right thing to do. By leaving, you avoided any further confrontation; the situation could have gotten much worse. Ex is just noise and anger, and the less physical space you share with him, the better.


This is an awful story and I'm very sorry this happened. Hey, wait a second, is this your account or part of the divorce story series?

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Beth, Yes, I know that's right, but sometimes the whole veil of uncertainty descends and I just stop and wonder what I did to cause this to be my life.

MS, I hate that you understand so well what I am going through. I talked to her last night and she really was distraught. And then I talked to her again today, and she was calmer. To even get to this place of conversation has been "wonderful" for us.

Rocky, wow, lots of insights there. I understand that even in the midst of a bad environment I can still have positive thoughts, sometimes the negative just gets the upper hand. Winston Churchill's especially resonated: "We are still masters of our fate. We are still captains of our souls." To get to the place where I am now I had to be forceful and committed to what I want and what I need. Now, though (not an excuse just an explanation), there is a delay, but that is a pause, not a cessation. Keep those warm thoughts coming my way. Thanks.

She, no I do not deserve this. No one deserves this. And honestly, these men/beasts should have been raised not to become this. Perhaps society, in its honoring of strength and power over honesty and kindness could do better by us all.

D'Arcy, that is beautiful and encouraging. Thank you. I had two conversations with her, one harder than the other, but that in and of itself was a big deal. I had not spoken to her before as I did, and I'm sure it was good for both of us.

JC, both of my daughters need to figure out how to deal with their father. So perhaps I am helping them develop skills that I have not developed. And, honestly, I am thankful that I can no longer deal with him, that took too much energy away from me.

Ricardo, that was my life yesterday. It is part of the unfolding drama, not the drama that I had time to mull over and contemplate and write about. It's the life for which I need quotes to either make me feel bad that I have not been able to move out of the house or that make me feel good that I am doing as well as I can in the circumstances.

Stepping Thru

Bless your heart! You are in my prayers, prayers for the house to sell and for you to be rid of your ex once and for all. Keep the lines of communication open with your girls. Tell them the truth and don't hold back your feelings. You did right by taking yourself out of the situation to prevent it from becoming more abusive. I really fear for your safety when he gets so aggressive. Take care of yourself.


Laura, I really fear for you and your daughters so long as you live in proximity to that man. I have this horrible feeling that, were the house were to sell and you to try moving on with your life, he would still need an outlet for his aggression and come after you or your daughters. The sooner you put some real distance between him and you, the better. Please, be careful.

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