A Minute to Myself (140)
I Am Woman, Watch Me Shovel!

Snow Day, Day of Contemplation

It snowed today and rather than drive through the weather for two one-hour meetings on this Teacher Work Day, I decided to take the day off. I didn’t get out of my pajamas until after 7 in the evening when I decided that the dog and I needed a walk in the season’s first snow.

I had two naps today, read half of a book (Three Daughters by Letty Cottin Pogrebin), answered a couple of work-related emails, made mac n’ cheese, and moaned to my mother about the mediator and my home situation, but I held back the tears because I don’t want to cry today. I had planned to pay some bills, but I didn’t even open the envelopes. I also planned to write a couple of blog posts that I have been thinking about, but they didn’t get written. But I did begin mulling over how we bloggers, no, we people who write blogs could get some monetary compensation for the reading of our writing, and how the publishing world needs to change, or really, what I could do to create that change since I was feeling pretty capable today in my flannels. But these are just nascent thoughts, with no light bulbs to accompany them, yet.

Beneath the texture of those external things and thoughts, a current has been running through me like the current in a river that is barely visible but still underlies all. I guess it’s an emotion, since when something is so hard to identify, it’s generally an emotion. Is it sadness? Or is it aloneness? Or is it the emotion of realization, an emotion which probably doesn’t exist but should, because it is what one feels when one realizes that she is who she is and that her life is what it is. Is this a good thing to be feeling, or would it be better to keep glossing over and pretending that I deserve a pair of rose-colored glasses, since I know that I don’t have the rose-colored life (does anyone)?

What does it mean to feel realization? For me, it’s less about the things that occupy my life and more the people, at least “realization” as I have been feeling it today. Maybe it was being forced to stay at home but to have none of the requisite comforts of home that have been needlepointed into our psyche as the proper image of a snow day. You know, to discuss the condition of the roads and that you should stay home and be safe with the person who has been at your side through summer days and snow days, and who will actually go out and shovel while you prepare mugs of hot chocolate for children sledding down slippery hills and men testing their manhood against the snow. Or was the realization of today just another aspect of loneliness that one feels when you don’t want to be alone and do it all on your own without a crutch or shovel holder to lean on. 

Why get out of my pajamas if no one needs me, or even wants me? What’s the point? To feel less essential? This way I can hide behind my own lethargy and not face my solitariness. No work to do. No children who need me except for finding gloves and perusing the contents of the refrigerator, freezer and pantry together for a total of three minutes. No one who needs me to warm him or comfort him, or who needs to be at the giving end of those comforts that he needs to give to feel alive and needed.

Realization, indeed. It’s like the snow, it descends, makes its impact, and then disappears. I hope we won’t have much more snow this year.

Comments

Ms. H

Ohhhh chica. My wish for you is that the house will sell quickly and you'll be able to move out. I think you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel when you are Out of that environment. A day at home will be a restful, rejuvenating Day at Home...making those flannel pjs feel even better!

rockync

Oh, I don't think it is the realization that you ARE less essential but more the realization that you must redefine your life because it is changing. Change is scary.
I had my first child at a young age (19)barely more than a child myself and eventually there were four of them 3-4 years apart. Times flies and one day, the last of my brood left the nest and I was struck with the realization that I was not anyone's mommy antmore. Now what? I had been someone's mom my whole adult life and had no idea how to be anything else. I had my career (nurse) but that was my job, not my life.
Today, I have the luxury of getting involved in anything I want. I volunteer as a tutor and sit on a couple of committees involved in improving my community. I take the dog for walks in the park, I go to the gym, I go out to dinner with friends.
I keep saying "I" but I'm still married; I just don't define myself by my husband. Sometimes we do things together sometimes apart. Yes, it is good to have another person to share with but I have discovered that I am a very capable person and while I might not like "alone", I would be ok.
Sounds like you are not only preparing for change but mourning the loss of what your marriage could have and should have been. And just because he cannot see the worth in you does not mean that it isn't there. And just let one crisis (fight with BFF, break up with boy friend, etc) and see how fast you become "essential" to those independent teens!
I leave with the words of someone I've come to see as one of the smartest men that ever walked the Earth:

“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” Mister Fred Rogers

Peace and Hugs,
Rocky

Renee Khan

The hard part too is that even though there may not be someone that needs our hugs; we may need someones.

xoxo

Renee

Small Footprints

Oh ... but there is someone who needs you! He's out there ... waiting for you. You just haven't met him yet!

Small Footprints
http://reducefootprints.blogspot.com

k8

Someday there will come a freedom of not having someone need you. But it's a long, long time coming. I know these things.

JC

Wow, I was depressed until I read Rocky's reply (which I think is great). Life has been tough lately I think for everyone, generally. Every day the news has been bad. I think it seeps into our collective subconscious and we can't help but feel the effects of it all, in combination with the rough things that we may be going through personally. Sometimes there's nothing worse than being alone with our thoughts.

colbymarshall

What is this "snow" of which you speak? It seems I've heard of it, but I have not seen it in a long time...hm...I vaguely remember it. LOL, Georgians never see snow!

Gwen

Whatever you do..please don't feel guilty about your "pajama" day...Embrace it! I used to feel so depressed that I would choose to spend a day like that...like it wasn't "viable" time...especially when I was going through my divorce with "borderline man." Now, I live for those days...there is nothing like finding peace in the concept of just staying home and relaxing. I just can't wait until you have you own place to do it in.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Ms. H, stimulus package anyone? I will buy new flannel pajamas for my new place and they will be bright.

rockync, one of the ways that I have found to fill the void has been teaching, which I only started a few years ago. I am truly grateful for the opportunity it gives me to be involved in people's lives and be of help. If I had still been in marketing communications, I believe that my mental state would have been far worse because I have discovered that I need that intermingling of lives to feel alive. I always loved Mr. Rogers, thanks for the quote.

Renee, so true. The giving and receiving of hugs is critical. I find it wonderful that people hug more than ever before; I don't remember hugging friends hello and goodbye, but I do it all the time now. ANnd even my daughters and my students do these awkward hugs to each other. It surely shows how much we all need to feel warmth and be warmed.

Small Footprints, a man with whom I went on one date implied that was being too picky. To which I say, I'd rather be picky than unhappy again.

k8, "a freedom of not having someone need me." I'm beginning to see that coming with my daughters, or at least no having them need me as they once did, but in a boy-girl relationship, I think I still want to feel needed. I've been alone for quite a while, I get it and can survive, but....

JC, this probably wasn't the day to read a book about three sisters coming to terms with themselves in midlife. It was as if I had my life and their lives to contemplate, and that's much too much to take on while still wearing pjs.

colbymarshall, hey, this is Virginia we're talking about not some northern tundra. The half-inch we got with the accompanying ice was enough for us to get a real snow day the next day. Just enough to cause havoc without expecting us to drive through the snowflakes--perfect.

morethananelectrician

Not having a place where even enjoy the solitude that should be good for you is a bad situation to find yourself in...I wish you a quick resolution to your current situation that way you find some peace in your life.

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