It finally came to me the other day why I have not wanted to blog lately, neither read nor write. It’s that blogging is a conversation, an on-going conversation at that, and since I am still at my core an introvert, a writer, this constant discussion is counter to what I usually do, or have done. It’s an illusion, this blogging, you think you’re writing, but you’re really conversing. The burnt-out feeling that I had was from too much interaction, not keeping things in to stir and settle, and not giving myself time to observe without formulating reflections. Sure, I’m writing but at a certain point, especially lately, posts have taken on a more conversational tone than a reflective one, and that is what I think has triggered my discomfort.
Perhaps I started writing for an audience and not myself. No, that’s not quite what I mean. Maybe I have been writing to write as opposed to writing to develop thoughts—in myself and the reader. Yes, I think that is what I am thinking. I have not been giving myself time to not write, to have writer’s block (I cannot believe that I am saying this), which perhaps is what I need every once in a while to do some assessing, or at least to let my thoughts catch up to my keyboard. Not that I have any intention of stopping to write, it is, after all, what I have wanted to do since I was 18 when I realized that I don’t have to just read books, I can write them too, but maybe I need to regain that distance from the writing to the reading that enables more intensity—for both the writer and the reader.
Of late I have read too many posts that really are like phone conversations with one’s friends about the kids and the spouse and the in-laws and work and trip plans and diets and and and. But that is not what I want to do—or read (I am setting myself up for desertion here), I really want to write from my depths as I have done for most of the past year (yes, yesterday was my blogiversary) and so I need to release this blogging-discussion bug that seems to have invaded me. I need to get back to writing as an expression of self and understanding of the world, and not just because it's my turn to talk.