PMS, who needs it
December 05, 2009
I’d like to know why when I am PMSing I have to have doubts of self-worth? Why can’t I get annoyed at everyone else and curse at the bad drivers on the road who cut me off and who don’t know how to signal? Why, why can’t I satisfy the hormones within by looking at the unsavory behaviors of others? Why can’t I rage at them instead of turning on myself? This surely can’t be some kind of self-preservation instinct because it just tears at my self.
In my younger years I don’t remember feeling this way once a month. In my much younger years there was the agony of one-day cramps. In my young motherhood years there were barely any reactions. In the past few years there has been a pre-headache, but now, now there is far too much self-dissection that I could surely do without that accompanies the headaches. It’s lovely that my body is still functioning as a woman’s should even though I have no intention of becoming a mumsey again and surely no man seems to find my womanly curves of any interest, so why do I have to succumb to a monthly session with the toughest therapist around—my own inner angst unleashed? It’s an agony to be consumed with so much doubt; have I lived 48 years, building to a generally confident woman, only to be most efficiently mocked at by myself? I don’t really need the monthly readjustment phase because it doesn’t readjust so efficiently, there’s always a lingering to that uncomfortable, unknowing teen that I was when I first started PMSing. Could there be any reason for this? Do I need to think about how bad I am as a person on such a harsh schedule?
Why can’t I be unsettlingly satisfied with myself once a month? Would that be a bad thing—to glow and gloat? Wouldn’t that serve a better purpose than to think about my uselessness? Do we get the PMS we deserve? Is this an eternal voice that I need to battle, constantly, so that I will not let myself subtly be submerged but will, instead, ultimately emerge chrysalis-like to the mindset that I have been growing into? Is this the last vestige of the self-doubt that I have harbored within for so very long? Will I finally conquer self-doubt when I don’t let myself be waylaid by a monthly hormonal imbalance? Can that be done? Can I be stronger than myself?
I guess I have another month to see. Maybe I should mark my calendar so that I won’t be blindsided but will be prepared to fight back and conquer those doubts that I don’t need invading my confidence.
You could be in perimenopause. I started it when I was about 45 years old. The only bad thing is that I'm now 58 and still in it. I'm the only person I know who buys sanitary products with their senior discount. It's mother nature's sardonic sense of humor. I wish you luck.
Posted by: A Teacher's Viewpoint | December 05, 2009 at 08:28 PM
I like the idea of setting aside (at least) one day a month to praise and congratulate ourselves. If we don't do it, who will?
Posted by: Beth | December 06, 2009 at 08:31 AM
I know this is of no help but I really know how you feel. For what it is worth and I know we have never met but I have always admired your strength and have in the past found comfort in your words.
I will be thinking of you.
Posted by: The Last Post | December 06, 2009 at 08:35 AM
Posted by: April | December 07, 2009 at 10:33 AM
One word - Hormones!!!!
I also agree it's perimenopause. Perhaps it's time to go to your gynecologist and have your hormone levels tested.
Posted by: Elizabeth A. | December 07, 2009 at 01:21 PM
Does knowing that it's PMS and a once a month thing help you realize that it's just a passing thing and not to get down on yourself? Maybe when you start feeling this way you can do something nice for yourself. You can have something to look forward to once a month!
Posted by: Dingo | December 07, 2009 at 07:22 PM
I'm in agreement with Elizabeth; if this is affecting you in such a manner, it is probably time to visit the GYN and see if there is some treatment that can minimize the monthly hormonal imbalance.
Sounds like it may be much more than just some pyschological quirk.
Posted by: rockync | December 10, 2009 at 12:41 PM
Laura, I'm going to echo the others. I just had my hormone levels checked and it appears that I, too, am in perimenopause. It seems that since my last birthday in April, I've had more feelings of self-doubt than any other time in my life. Well, maybe in my adult life since the adolescent years were no picnic.
At least know that you're not alone with these feelings.
Posted by: JC | December 10, 2009 at 06:19 PM
ATV, as long as I don't have to buy diapers and pads at the same time I think I'll be fine. From what a lot of other people said it seems that I probably am in perimenopause. Thanks to all for letting me know that I have entered another phase of a woman's life.
Beth, I like the idea, too, of taking the day that my body decides is mine anyway to really make it mine. Instead of a positive thought a day, maybe we should focus on a compliment a month. That way it will feel more true. Maybe it's a call to assess ourselves once a month.
Sandy, thank you for your kind words and expression. I really do appreciate knowing that my desire--to reach out to other woman to help us better understand ourselves--is not for nought.
April, succinct but true.
Elizabeth A., I love when I came blame my body and not my mind.
Dingo, perhaps now that a trend has been established I will be able to counter it rather than succumb to it.
rockync, now that I'm aware of what is happening I'll see if I can control it, if not, I will definitely go back to my gyno--who I enjoy visiting. We have lovely conversations while she's scraping around inside and there I am, in stirrups.
JC, I'm definitely glad that I took my feelings out of the bathroom, now I know that there's a logical cause and not my inadequacies.
Posted by: Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman | December 12, 2009 at 08:26 PM