Plenty Beads
Romantic Weekend in Belfast

The Fuzzy and Infinite Bead of Plenty

I ended my previous post, a month ago with this paragraph: “How could I not reach out my hand to touch this preposterous bead? It feels as if the ineffable quality that oversees the wonders and ways of the world is presenting me with the most precious bead of plenty—a bead that grows to encompass all manner of well-being, fuzzy and infinite.”

The bead that I was referring to is a man with whom, 28 years ago, I would walk along the daytime and nighttime streets of Manhattan (and one bridge to Brooklyn in a blizzard) being the most open I had ever been with anyone. This man suddenly appeared in my in-box from where he has since snuggled his way into that space I didn’t know existed: a heart untrammeled.

When I started this blog in April 2008, I needed an outlet from all the pain I was experiencing from another man I met 28 years ago: my ex-husband. (Speak about making the wrong choice!) When I began the divorce proceedings four years before that, it was not to clear my decks for another man or even—utterly preposterous—the idea of love; rather, it was to come up for air. For too long I had been stifled: stifled by him and stifled by myself in reaction to him. And the blog, well, I needed to figure out how to breathe again.

First I just poured out in pain. I was seeking to find solace in the opening up, in the discovery of shared pain, in the offering of words of wisdom from survivors, in the providing of comfort to those who only had pain. And then, once I began to find my breathe and my voice, I found that I didn’t just reside in pain. I found that I could write—and think—about things that did not revolve around my life and its downs and occasional ups. I would write about all manner of thing. I liked to think of myself as a columnist (note: I would love to be a columnist) sharing my point-of-view and insights. But always, always there was some new anguish from my ex-husband that I needed to screech out. And now, well it still happens because he has not changed, but I don’t want to dwell on it, I want to acknowledge it and return to the path that my life has taken.

I am, for a moment, without words. Not just that I never thought I would be so fulfilled from a man’s attentions, but that I honestly did not expect more than a freedom of self when I began the divorce journey and the blog journey. Who knows what is beyond, yonder on the horizon, but I know what is not there. What is not there is the pain that has been transcribed here.

In a telling reflection that life is never flawless, this man lives abroad. I will be visiting him for a few days in six weeks—the countdown is on. But when you have two writers unfolding their hearts to and for the other, it is a thing of transcendent beauty. My inbox surely runneth over.

My words, and my thoughts, and my creativity, I have begun to channel to this man as well as to the new book that I have started writing. And so, I guess, I am saying goodbye. Or maybe, because goodbye seems so final and hard, I am saying that when and if I return it will not be as a woman discovering a recipe for lemonade to use the lemons her life dropped into her basket, but it will be as a woman who has recipes for cakes and soups, the sustenance of life. Or maybe I won’t have any recipes to share, just stories that show it is possible to go from the depths of the tunnel where no light can penetrate, to a place that feels darn close to Everest.



I had been wondering about you. :) After reading your last post and your mention of this man from the past, I wondered if things have been changing with. Goodbyes are usually sad but after reading your blog and following your journey to this point, I can honestly say I am happy for you and know without a doubt that you are doing what you need to do. I will be here if you come back. I wish you all the best and wish to read of your happy heart. Sending you much love and hugs, Lori


I look forward to whatever the next chapter is for you. Whether it is more blogging and/or a book (books?) but beyond that I hope that your life has it's own "happily ever after" even if it isn't a "fairytale" type story.

I sincerely wish you all of the best in this, the next chapter of your life.

Safe travels and Be Well.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Lori, thank you as ever for your kind words, your goodness and your friendship. Thank you.

MsDarkstar, to you, too, go incredible thank you's for being such a wonderful ear and shoulder--full-fledged person and friend.

All the best. And yes, I have a feeling I will be back. I will change the intro and move onto other types of rebellious thoughts that we women have.


I hope we meet again on our journeys. If not, however, I feel satisfied that you are in a better, stronger, happier place than when we found each other here.

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

April, I hope we meet again, too. It has been a pleasure to read your blog posts and your comments here. Your commitment to your daughters and to what is right are beacons for all who read your lovely, passionate writing. All the best, always, for you and your daughters.


Laura, I literally bought the house next door and am renovating it over the next several months but I do hope you will come for that visit after I'm done and the dust settles! That is if you can break away from your whirlwind romance... :)
I think you are so ready to move on but there are many of us who have become emotionally vested in you and your struggles. I think those struggles resonate with most women. So I hope you will consider keeping us "posted" on how it goes in your life. Less frequently would not be bad but I would hate to lose your eloquent voice out here in cyberspace completely.
I wish you a rich and wonderfully joyous rest of your life!

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

rockync, Congratulations on the house purchase! Yes, that sounds like a great idea--in a few months I should be able to come down and enjoy some time together where we laugh loudly!

Thank you for your support, now and always. Yes, I think that I shall continue. There will definitely be an update, if not before, then at least after my trip to visit him in Belfast (where he now lives), in less than five weeks. Yes, Belfast. Should be interesting--both the man who moves there and the place itself.


It's awesome knowing that things are so much better for you now. Although I haven't commented here in ages I do still keep track of what's been happening. Still one of my favourite stops to make when I'm not bogged down with my own irritating baggage. Best of luck and I hope you return with some good recipes and tales!

Laura of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman

Geo, thank you so much for your well-wishing and words of kindness. I appreciate knowing that I am a favorite spot for you. All the best to you--with or without your baggage.


I've just returned to BLogland and here you are, taking a hiatus. Well, I am VERY happy to read the goodness here in this post. Awesome! Enjoy your life!

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